How to Stop Kidding Yourself: A Step-By-Step Guide

Perhaps I’ve been out of the dating game too long, but holy hell, ladies…you sure do bitch a lot. And for as much as the lot of you proclaim that you don’t need men and that men are shit, you sure do spend a lot of time bitching about men.

Yet as I stand here on the sidelines, next to my minivan equipped with carseats and a Febreeze air freshener and a glovebox full of emergency napkins all domesticated and whatnot, I cannot help but notice that you’re all making the same mistakes. Over. And over. And over.

Fucking stop it, or shut up.

If you’d prefer to stop it, here’s some helpful tips to help you on your way.

1. As my good friend Rachel says, “The cat does not chase the dog.” You’re the cat, goddamnit. What the fuck are you doing glancing at your phone every 10 seconds to see if he texted you back? Why the fuck do you keep texting him when he hasn’t texted you back? Move on. You’re not in love with the guy. It’s not the end of the world. And there’s an excellent chance that there’s a good-looking dude out there who’s not only willing to give you the D but is also willing to answer your asinine texts.

2. Your vagina cannot cure emotional damage. Save yourself some trouble – and heartache – and stop thinking that the dude you are routinely shagging will see that there is something special about you, something that is different from all the other girls he’s taken a shit all over (figuratively, of course…unless you’re in to that sort of thing). It’s just sex. If you want more than just sex, you’re not gonna get it with that asshole. Rest assured, he’ll probably find that “special” girl he needs…and she’ll probably be just as fucked up as he is.

3. Contrary to what you have been taught, the silent treatment is not a punishment. It’s passive aggressive bullshit. Grow the fuck up and talk your problems out like an adult. Furthermore…

4. …yelling/nagging is a shitty way to get what you want. It may work. It may feel good while you’re doing it. But I guarantee you,the one thing every man in the world appreciates the most isn’t a good cook or perfect housekeeper or awesome lay…it’s a woman who knows when to shut her fucking trap.

5. Mind your own goddamn business. If you’re going through his cell phone, his Facebook, his mail, his drawers, and other personal things, the last place you need to be is in a relationship. The first place you need to be is in therapy. Crazy ass.

6. Take responsibility for your own short-comings and stop blaming your past for your present. If your childhood or a former boyfriend still have so much of an impact on your life that you are unable to function normally in a relationship, you need to handle your business on your own. Stop expecting a man to fix you and stop getting angry with him when he doesn’t. You need to figure out how to handle your own mental hang-ups as an individual before you subject a partner to them.

7. Sometimes it’s your fault. Life is not a Taylor Swift song. Chicks fuck up just as often as guys do; if you’re trying to twist the story to make yourself come out looking like an angel then maybe you should examine why you’re trying so hard to avoid feeling your own guilt.

8. If you find yourself repeatedly picking up the pieces of your broken heart maybe it’s time to take a step back and acknowledge that the common factor in your failed relationships is you. Your last three boyfriends cheated on you. Your last three boyfriends were jobless bums. Your last three boyfriends were always in and out of jail. It might not be your fault that he was a cheater or a mooch or a criminal, but it is your fault that you keep picking the same type of guy. If you don’t think you deserve better, then you’re never going to get someone better. Fact.

9. Stop whining. If you’re still moping and bitching about relationships that ended months or even years ago, congratulations: you are the most unappealing woman in the room. Let go of the notion that there is some sensitive dude out there who’s going to hear your sob story, take pity on you, nurture you, and wife you. This is not a Nicholas Sparks novel – either get over it or get out of the dating pool. But if you don’t want to follow my advice, then don’t be surprised when you get taken advantage of by some douchebag who preys on the emotionally weak. If you stop looking at yourself as a victim, everyone else will too.

10. If you want a grown up relationship, start acting like a grown up. Quit having your friends talk to guys for you, don’t pretend you like shit like sports and beer when you prefer Justin Bieber and wine coolers, and stop freaking out on the guy over trivial shit. Stop putting out on the first date when you actually like a dude, stop professing your undying love by date number two, and stop thinking that third date is reasonable time to get engaged. Being in a committed relationship is serious, and it takes work. If you’re not ready for it, there’s no shame in that.

11. A guy is not an asshole just because he doesn’t want to date a woman with kids. Frankly, you should give that guy a medal for being decent enough to admit it. Kids are a big responsibility and if a guy isn’t ready or willing to take care of kids that aren’t even his, then he’s not the guy for you. That doesn’t make him a bad person.

12. There are roles to be filled in every relationship. Play your part, or make it a solo act. If you want to stay at home while he works, learn how to cook and clean. If you’re an independent woman who doesn’t mind being the breadwinner, lose the superiority complex and realize that what he brings to the table is still worth something, even if it isn’t a paycheck. Your individual strengths should complement the other’s weaknesses – they shouldn’t be used as ammunition in an argument.

13. Stop filling the friend zone to capacity. Let’s be honest here, ladies – most of you aren’t friend-zoning these guys because there’s no chemistry or because he’s like a brother to you. You’re sticking them there because they’re not good-looking enough for you. My guess is that you’re neither a beauty queen or a supermodel…but even if you were, that would just make you an attractive superficial bitch, instead of just a run-of-the-mill superficial bitch. Don’t get me wrong, I know you have to be sexually attracted to someone for a relationship to work out. But if you’re nixing sweet, funny, intelligent, successful guys because they have facial hair instead of being clean-shaven or because they’re 5’10” instead of 6’2″ then your priorities are on a whole new level of fucked up.

14. Speaking of good looks…be realistic. I’m not telling you to lower your standards or your self-confidence. But there is really no kind way to say what I am about to say: if you are 100 pounds overweight, you are probably not going to wind up with Johnny Hardbody. If you shower once a week and have teeth that look like a rickety picket fence, it is doubtful that your future groom will be an Ashton Kutcher lookalike. I’m not saying it’s impossible…just incredibly fucking unlikely. But for those of you who find this kernel of truth hard to swallow, here’s another tidbit to wash it down with: the fact that a man doesn’t want to date you because you’re fat or have Chiclet teeth doesn’t automatically qualify him as a shallow asshole. It just means that he is not attracted to you. You are not his type. Would you date someone you thought was hideous? No? Then how are you any different?

15. Your dating life should not be a game of musical chairs in which the chairs are penises. It’s one thing to casually date people without actually getting exclusively involved. It’s quite another to jump from boyfriend to boyfriend every 4-6 months. It makes you look weak. It makes you look co-dependent. And when you profess after each inevitable break up that you’re “done with guys” when everyone knows damn well you’ll have a new “soulmate” by next Tuesday, it makes you look stupid.

 

School’s In For Summer

Just because the term is over until the fall doesn’t mean you can’t gobble up some knowledge……

Today’s menu: some popular bits of history that are actually complete and utter bullshit. Bon appetit!

 

1. JFK’s statement “Ich bin ein Berliner” does not translate to “I am a jelly donut.”

2. Marie Antoinette was not only widely recognized for being a charitable humanitarian but also never made the infamous statement, “Let them eat cake.”Furthermore, the kind-hearted queen’s last words were, “I’m sorry sir, I did not mean to do it” – spoken to her executioner whose foot she had stepped on while ascending the platform to be beheaded.

3. Henry VIII, most often depicted as a fat troll of a man, was, in his youth, incredibly handsome and well-built.

4. Although widely believed to be the tomb of Pharaoh Khufu, many scholars believe that The Great Pyramid was likely built for another purpose. It is the only pyramid with a Grand Gallery and, while other pyramids feature only descending passages, the Great Pyramid has ascending passages as well. What’s more, the interior is totally void of inscriptions, murals, or any other type of art – curious indeed for the tomb of a pharaoh. And, although tomb robbery could explain the absence of Khufu’s body it does not account for the lack of wall art or larger pieces of sculpture. The passages are simply not large enough for robbers to have removed items of the scale found in other tombs.

5. Einstein did not fail math. Ever.

6. The 300 Spartans at Thermopylae did not stand alone – a regiment of 700 Thespians and 400 Thebans also remained behind to fight the Persians.

The World Will Never Be A Better Place Unless…

1. Every person on earth plants and nurtures at least one thing during their lifetime.

2. It is no longer considered weird to hug a stranger who looks like they need it.

3. There are no longer people in existence that “hate” kids. You don’t want kids, fine. You’re uncomfortable around them, okay. Hell, you can even find them irritating. But I firmly believe that a person who can hear the laugh of a child or watch them chase a butterfly across the yard and still assert that they HATE kids is pretty much the embodiment of what is wrong with the world.

4. On that note, let’s get rid of hating stuff entirely. No more hating movies, or celebrities, or weather. Just…don’t like stuff. Why be a dick about it?

5. Everyone reads “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”. I don’t know why. Just a gut feeling.

6. College is free for anyone at any age and is no longer vocational. You study whatever the hell you want. You want to know more about Greek mythology and women’s lib, then go learn it. You don’t graduate – you just learn until you’ve learned all you want. Unless you’re in a specialized field, like medicine or law, why do you need a goddamned degree to manage a call center? Why in the hell are we charging people to get smarter? THAT is stupid.

7. Places like soup kitchens and homeless shelters have to turn away volunteers because they have too many.

8. Child molesters are executed. Immediately.

9. Everyone gazes up at the stars at least once each night, until they feel both humbled and honored to have a place in the universe.

10. We don’t wait until a species is endangered to start giving a shit about them.

11. We care more about what people do with their talent and knowledge than what they do with their genitals.

12. We do not just embrace change – we strive for it.

13. People are no longer our neighbors – they are our friends.

14. Creating art, literature, or music are viable career paths rather than hobbies.

15. Love is more abundant than money and money is more abundant than struggle.

Where Are Your Manners?

Is it just me, or are people getting MORE rude? So much so that I find it nearly impossible to pick the social behavior I find to be the most socially unacceptable.

Would you lovely folks care to help me narrow it down?

Whose Wedding Is It Anyway?

Brides and grooms-to-be, listen up, because I’m about to tell you something you THINK you already know.

This is YOUR wedding.

YOUR wedding.

YOURS.

It is your dress, your suit, your venue, your band, your food, your color scheme, your friends, and your family. YOURS.

If you want an off-the-shoulder dress to hide your chunky upper arms, but your friends tell you strapless is more fashionable, politely tell them you’ll be buying the dress YOU want. If one of your bridesmaids complains she doesn’t look good in turquoise, firmly instruct her to suck it up, buttercup. If your mom is Catholic and wants you to have your wedding in a church, but you’re Pagan and want an outdoor ceremony, let her know you’re sure god will give you a pass on this one.

Stop inviting people you don’t even care about just to avoid hurt feelings. Use this handy little questionairre to determine whether or not someone deserves to be part of your special day:

1. Do they know your child’s middle name? Or, if you don’t have kids, do they know your middle name?

2. Do they know your birthday?

3. Have they ever seen you cry?

4. Would you expect to be invited to their wedding?

If you answered no to three out of four of these questions, save a tree and skip the invite.

It doesn’t matter what anyone else has to say about your wedding plans. You are choosing these things as partners because these things are what will make your wedding beautiful and memorable to YOU. If it’s weird or tacky or silly, who gives a damn? When you celebrate your 20 year anniversary, you’re going to remember your wedding day with vivid clarity. Your guests probably won’t even remember what food you served, so why get so caught up making sure everyone else gets what THEY want?

This is YOUR wedding. Imagine how beautiful it could be if you stopped caring about whether or not everyone else thinks it’s beautiful, too.

Dear Military Wives

First and foremost, ladies, let me just express the respect I have for your ability to be brave, strong, loyal, and devoted while your husband is either deployed, or otherwise unable to come home to you. That takes a special kind of person. Obviously, if you are out fucking his friends or random dudes you meet on Facebook, that statement does not apply to you, because you are, well, a whore.

That being said, let’s be clear: you are not in the military. You are not serving your country. You are not fulfilling your duties as an American soldier simply because an American soldier put a ring on your finger. YOU. ARE. A. WIFE.

Perhaps the argument can be made that the sacrifices you make are greater than those of the average wife, particularly in the case where your partner is deployed, because you undoubtedly live in constant fear of the Knock on the Door. But the same argument can be made for the wives of police officers, firefighters, and those who work on an oil tanker. Yet I have met the wives of such people, and they do not seem to have the same sense of entitlement or the air of importance that many of you have.

And if you have kids? Yes, it must be very difficult for you to raise your children almost entirely by yourself. But you are no different from the single parents that do the same thing – except that you have a military paycheck and benefits to assist you in your task.

The fact that my partner comes home to me each night does not make my duties, responsibilities, love, or commitment lesser than yours by comparison. You do not have to be married to a military man to be a superwife. In fact, I’d venture to say that many of you marry these men just for the thrill and the romanticism of it, only to divorce a handful of years later when you realize you don’t have what it takes to see a marriage through – especially one where your life and the life of your family is pretty much dictated by what the military decides.

Your husband is the hero. You are his wife. You are not entitled to the same honor and respect, and you are not entitled to any special treatment. Stop placing yourself and your marriage on a pedestal. Stop acting like those of us who married mechanics or insurance salesmen are oblivious to the special circumstances surrounding your marriage. There are special circumstances in every marriage – and they don’t always come in uniform.

Things I Have Learned While Kyle Has Been Injured

1. It is impossible to put adequate time and effort in to a blog when the breadwinner has both a fractured elbow AND the proven ability to produce sperm powerful enough to bless my previously vacant uterus with twin girls.

2. 6’4″, 240lb former linebackers are big, whiny babies who will milk the fuck out of their injuries until they discover they can’t effectively use a mouse to play Diablo III or Far Cry. Then, suddenly, they’re “fine, no really, I’m totally fine.”

3. Do not attempt to eat nachos while operating a motor vehicle on the freeway in your favorite dress.

4. With properly executed timing, it is possible to send Kyle in to gales of raucous laughter by saying, “Yeah, Jake Gyllenhall!”

5. Being in a pool is way more fun when your kids are with you.

6. Do not attempt to sit atop your kid’s inflatable seahorse float.

7. Junebugs get scarier and disgustinger with each passing year. So much so that I’ve broken the rules and made up the word “disgustinger.”

8. Audiobooks were invented by a bookish wife and mother who desperately wants to read a book but quite literally does not have the energy to hold it up. Thank you, random wifemom!

9. Just when you think you’ve fixed everything wrong with your car, you will get a flat tire.

10. More than a decade later and after thousands of crashes and hundreds of saved game losses, I am still wildly, deeply in love with The Sims.

I’ve missed you guys! Welcome back, Me!