Five Reasons to Be Friends With Your Ex

It’s always baffled me, how two people can date, fall in love, mean the world to each other, then break up and feel nothing but contempt toward a person they shared their life with in such an intimate way.

There are always exceptions: Any kind of abuse. Some incredibly scandalous event, like trying to have you killed for insurance money or banging your sister. I get that. But if two people split because it just isn’t working out, because they fight too much and love too little, then what’s the big deal?

Why can’t we continue being friends with our exes? Weren’t they, at one point, our very best friends? Didn’t we share our victories, our defeats, our fears, our happiness, our secrets, and our stories? Do we just not think that any type of friendship would be beneficial to either party?

I’m friends with most of my exes; I’d consider two of them (one being the father of my children) to be my closest friends. I’m not going to lie and tell you getting there wasn’t awkward or bumpy, but I can tell you that maintaining a relationship with these two awesome people was totally worth it. And, in the case of my kids’ daddy, the best possible decision we could have made.

***NOTE: None of this will apply if there are still residual feelings left over. Time and space, my friends. Go slow, start small. Always remember, it ended for a reason, and that reason was probably a pretty damn good one.

1. They can call us out on our bullshit.

They know exactly when we’re talking out of our asses, being unrealistic, being too judgmental, and, in general, being a total shithead. And now that they’re officially in the friend zone, they have nothing to lose (read: sexy nekkid time) by telling us to chill the fuck out. So while a lot of our friends will just feed in to our nonsense because they think it’s what friends should do, an ex will help us put whatever brand of crazy we’re wearing in to perspective.

2. They know what we need when we’re drunk.

Whether it’s to be left alone or coddled, cut off from shots or fed a cheeseburger, an ex has been there. Maybe a lot, if you really like to hit the sauce. It’s always nice to have a reliable babysitter to make sure your skirt doesn’t fly over your head and vomit stays in designated areas.

3. Fellas, a wingwoman is superior to a wingman.

Women are usually more comfortable talking to other women in bars, and if your ex hits it off with a girl you wouldn’t mind seeing on her back, she can always put in a good reference. But keep in mind – you’ll owe her one.

4. They’ll be the best for critics for the new people we date.

A man can smell a player and a woman can smell a whore. Just like the rest of our friends, an ex will be protective of us – but they also know exactly what kind of good shit we can bring to the table in a relationship and will be a bit more critical of who deserves us. At some point, the bond you have with your ex will evolve in to a sort of sibling relationship – the motivation isn’t jealousy, but a true concern for our happiness and well-being.

5. An ex will keep your secrets – because you know a bunch of theirs.

Provided you had a normal relationship that didn’t involve broadcasting your problems to all your friends or humilating each other on social media, most couples have a LOT of shit on each other by the time the relationship ends. And if you have any respect for them (and you aren’t a fucking 12 year old), you’ve kept that shit to yourself. There is no better confidante than an ex.


Bitches Be Crazy

Gentlemen, your attention please, because I am going to provide you with some rare insight into the female psyche.

I’m not saying women will become less of a mystery to you, or that you’ll walk away feeling like you’ve gained some sort of innate knowledge about the opposite sex. In fact, you will probably end up more confused. Or possibly gay. But whatever, I’m hilarious, and this shit is totes legit.


SITUATION: Our pretty, skinny friend tells us she’s pregnant.

What we say: Oh my gosh, yay! Sooo happy for you!

What we think: lolzomg, she’s gonna get soooo fat.

SITUATION: A male friend that we’re interested in starts telling us about a chick he met and is in to.

What we say: Hey, good for you! She sounds awesome! I can’t wait to meet her!

What we think: She sounds like a cunt! I can’t wait to run her over with my car!

SITUATION: Our boss tells us someone complained that a shirt we wore showed too much cleavage.

What we say: Wow, I’m sorry. I’ll make sure not to wear it again.

What we think: I bet it was that flat-chested bitch that sits across from me. She wishes she had sweet-ass titties like these.

SITUATION: A friend cries on our shoulder because her boyfriend dumped her for the 18th time.

What we say: Oh, honey, it’s gonna be okay. He doesn’t deserve you.

What we think: You’re both fucking idiots and you deserve each other.

SITUATION: Between the ages of 25-35, a teenager bumps in to us and says, ‘Excuse me, ma’am’.

What we say: That’s okay.

What we think: Ma’am?! FUCK. YOU.

Part II.

What we say: Where do you want to go out for dinner, babe?

What we mean: Tell me where I want to go for dinner. Choose wisely, or I’ll be bringing it up once every couple of months for the next five years.

What we say: Of course you can go to that party. Go have some guy time!

What we mean: Although I’d prefer that you stay here and watch Grey’s Anatomy reruns with me and my cat, I have the inexplicable compulsion to prove that I am way cooler than all of your friends’ girlfriends, even though I hate most of your friends and their girlfriends.

What we say: Honey, you look tired. Why don’t you let me drive?

What we mean: I find your ability to operate a motor vehicle not only lacking but utterly terrifying, and I would prefer not to die tonight.

What we say: That shirt would look amazing on you. You should try it on.

What we mean: Your clothes are ugly and stupid. I am embarrassed to be seen in public with you.

What we say: Tonight, I’m going to cook you dinner, go in the other room while you watch the game, and let you do filthy things to me using a can of whipped cream and a ball gag.

What we mean: I used your credit card to buy $300 worth of shoes online and I’m hoping to soften the blow with food, sports, and sexy time.

Part III.

What we say: I’m gonna go have lunch with some friends. I’ll be back in a couple hours.

What we do: Substitute lunch for margaritas. Stumble in five hours later, completely sloshed.

What we say: I’ve gotta start dieting. These pants don’t fit me like they used to.

What we do: Successfully count calories for three weeks. Become so depressed/angry that we have only lost four pounds that we consume enough Oreos and gummi bears to send an entire diabetic football team in to a coma.

What we say: I hate my job, I hate my co-workers, and I hate my boss! Time to move on!

What we do: Continue working at our shitty job until something else happens to fall in our lap because otherwise we would have absolutely nothing to bitch about.

What we say: Man, fuck him. I’m too good for him, and he knows it.

What we do: Rent Sleepless in Seattle. Get halfway through the movie, a box of chocolates, and a second bottle of wine before sending a drunk text laced with awkward winky-faces and unecessary LOLs. Cry self to sleep.

What we say: Ugh, I look hideous today.

What we do: Spend an hour doing hair and makeup. Take numerous pictures in the bathroom mirror using cell phone and upload them to Facebook with the caption, “Just woke up lol, I look so gross!”

How to Stop Kidding Yourself: A Step-By-Step Guide

Perhaps I’ve been out of the dating game too long, but holy hell, ladies…you sure do bitch a lot. And for as much as the lot of you proclaim that you don’t need men and that men are shit, you sure do spend a lot of time bitching about men.

Yet as I stand here on the sidelines, next to my minivan equipped with carseats and a Febreeze air freshener and a glovebox full of emergency napkins all domesticated and whatnot, I cannot help but notice that you’re all making the same mistakes. Over. And over. And over.

Fucking stop it, or shut up.

If you’d prefer to stop it, here’s some helpful tips to help you on your way.

1. As my good friend Rachel says, “The cat does not chase the dog.” You’re the cat, goddamnit. What the fuck are you doing glancing at your phone every 10 seconds to see if he texted you back? Why the fuck do you keep texting him when he hasn’t texted you back? Move on. You’re not in love with the guy. It’s not the end of the world. And there’s an excellent chance that there’s a good-looking dude out there who’s not only willing to give you the D but is also willing to answer your asinine texts.

2. Your vagina cannot cure emotional damage. Save yourself some trouble – and heartache – and stop thinking that the dude you are routinely shagging will see that there is something special about you, something that is different from all the other girls he’s taken a shit all over (figuratively, of course…unless you’re in to that sort of thing). It’s just sex. If you want more than just sex, you’re not gonna get it with that asshole. Rest assured, he’ll probably find that “special” girl he needs…and she’ll probably be just as fucked up as he is.

3. Contrary to what you have been taught, the silent treatment is not a punishment. It’s passive aggressive bullshit. Grow the fuck up and talk your problems out like an adult. Furthermore…

4. …yelling/nagging is a shitty way to get what you want. It may work. It may feel good while you’re doing it. But I guarantee you,the one thing every man in the world appreciates the most isn’t a good cook or perfect housekeeper or awesome lay…it’s a woman who knows when to shut her fucking trap.

5. Mind your own goddamn business. If you’re going through his cell phone, his Facebook, his mail, his drawers, and other personal things, the last place you need to be is in a relationship. The first place you need to be is in therapy. Crazy ass.

6. Take responsibility for your own short-comings and stop blaming your past for your present. If your childhood or a former boyfriend still have so much of an impact on your life that you are unable to function normally in a relationship, you need to handle your business on your own. Stop expecting a man to fix you and stop getting angry with him when he doesn’t. You need to figure out how to handle your own mental hang-ups as an individual before you subject a partner to them.

7. Sometimes it’s your fault. Life is not a Taylor Swift song. Chicks fuck up just as often as guys do; if you’re trying to twist the story to make yourself come out looking like an angel then maybe you should examine why you’re trying so hard to avoid feeling your own guilt.

8. If you find yourself repeatedly picking up the pieces of your broken heart maybe it’s time to take a step back and acknowledge that the common factor in your failed relationships is you. Your last three boyfriends cheated on you. Your last three boyfriends were jobless bums. Your last three boyfriends were always in and out of jail. It might not be your fault that he was a cheater or a mooch or a criminal, but it is your fault that you keep picking the same type of guy. If you don’t think you deserve better, then you’re never going to get someone better. Fact.

9. Stop whining. If you’re still moping and bitching about relationships that ended months or even years ago, congratulations: you are the most unappealing woman in the room. Let go of the notion that there is some sensitive dude out there who’s going to hear your sob story, take pity on you, nurture you, and wife you. This is not a Nicholas Sparks novel – either get over it or get out of the dating pool. But if you don’t want to follow my advice, then don’t be surprised when you get taken advantage of by some douchebag who preys on the emotionally weak. If you stop looking at yourself as a victim, everyone else will too.

10. If you want a grown up relationship, start acting like a grown up. Quit having your friends talk to guys for you, don’t pretend you like shit like sports and beer when you prefer Justin Bieber and wine coolers, and stop freaking out on the guy over trivial shit. Stop putting out on the first date when you actually like a dude, stop professing your undying love by date number two, and stop thinking that third date is reasonable time to get engaged. Being in a committed relationship is serious, and it takes work. If you’re not ready for it, there’s no shame in that.

11. A guy is not an asshole just because he doesn’t want to date a woman with kids. Frankly, you should give that guy a medal for being decent enough to admit it. Kids are a big responsibility and if a guy isn’t ready or willing to take care of kids that aren’t even his, then he’s not the guy for you. That doesn’t make him a bad person.

12. There are roles to be filled in every relationship. Play your part, or make it a solo act. If you want to stay at home while he works, learn how to cook and clean. If you’re an independent woman who doesn’t mind being the breadwinner, lose the superiority complex and realize that what he brings to the table is still worth something, even if it isn’t a paycheck. Your individual strengths should complement the other’s weaknesses – they shouldn’t be used as ammunition in an argument.

13. Stop filling the friend zone to capacity. Let’s be honest here, ladies – most of you aren’t friend-zoning these guys because there’s no chemistry or because he’s like a brother to you. You’re sticking them there because they’re not good-looking enough for you. My guess is that you’re neither a beauty queen or a supermodel…but even if you were, that would just make you an attractive superficial bitch, instead of just a run-of-the-mill superficial bitch. Don’t get me wrong, I know you have to be sexually attracted to someone for a relationship to work out. But if you’re nixing sweet, funny, intelligent, successful guys because they have facial hair instead of being clean-shaven or because they’re 5’10” instead of 6’2″ then your priorities are on a whole new level of fucked up.

14. Speaking of good looks…be realistic. I’m not telling you to lower your standards or your self-confidence. But there is really no kind way to say what I am about to say: if you are 100 pounds overweight, you are probably not going to wind up with Johnny Hardbody. If you shower once a week and have teeth that look like a rickety picket fence, it is doubtful that your future groom will be an Ashton Kutcher lookalike. I’m not saying it’s impossible…just incredibly fucking unlikely. But for those of you who find this kernel of truth hard to swallow, here’s another tidbit to wash it down with: the fact that a man doesn’t want to date you because you’re fat or have Chiclet teeth doesn’t automatically qualify him as a shallow asshole. It just means that he is not attracted to you. You are not his type. Would you date someone you thought was hideous? No? Then how are you any different?

15. Your dating life should not be a game of musical chairs in which the chairs are penises. It’s one thing to casually date people without actually getting exclusively involved. It’s quite another to jump from boyfriend to boyfriend every 4-6 months. It makes you look weak. It makes you look co-dependent. And when you profess after each inevitable break up that you’re “done with guys” when everyone knows damn well you’ll have a new “soulmate” by next Tuesday, it makes you look stupid.


Poll: Favorite Disney Movie ***EDITED***

***EDIT*** If you selected other, please leave a comment indicating what your favorite Disney movie is. Also, please note that I’m referring ONLY to animated movies, not live action. For science!

I have a theory about men and Disney movies, and I’ve decided to create a poll to prove it. Because what better way to prove you’re right than posting a poll on your internet blog?

I can’t state the specifics of my theory at the moment because I don’t want to skew the poll results. What I can say is that I am certain that most men, when asked what their favorite Disney movie is, nearly always pick the same one.

Of course, I don’t want to leave out my female audience, even though I have no theories about what a girl will typically pick. But whatever, polls are funsies! Just make sure you vote on the right one!



Let’s Talk About the Weaker Sex, Baby

What do we want? Equality! When do we want it? When it suits our immediate needs!

I’m sure I’m going to catch a fair amount of shit for this post but I don’t particularly care. My guess is that the shit will come from the raging, man-hating feminist camp or the camp of woman guilty of precisely the thing I’m bitching about.

Now then – I suppose Hollywood is as good a place as any to start since they’re largely responsible for perpetuating a falsified stereotype of the strong modern woman. Evidently, a strong woman will hold her tongue each and every time her husband decides, without consulting her, to put himself and his family in danger – she is strong because she stands behind her man and holds her family together while he’s out dodging bullets and narrowly escaping explosions. A strong woman will look on helplessly as her boyfriend gets the shit kicked out of him even when there are plenty makeshift weapons within arm’s reach that she could easily bash the bad guy in the head with – she is strong because later, she won’t vomit at the sight of loverboy’s bloodied face as she holds his hand in the hospital. A strong woman speaks little, cries often, and seems to have no opinion of her own but because there is the occasional scene in which she is wielding a weapon or is sweaty with physical exertion – she is strong.

A strong woman sure does a lot of things I wouldn’t do.

This is one problem I see with contemporary “feminism”. Here are the others – and this is probably the one that’s going to start getting the proverbial panties in a twist.

Much like the pseudo-Christian prefers to handpick the parts of the Bible they uphold, I see far too many so-called “empowered” women demanding equality only in those situations where it suits them. “Why don’t you do the dishes and the laundry?” she says. “Why don’t you cook a meal and take care of the kids?” she complains.

“Just because I’m a woman,” she insists, “does not mean these things are my job.”

But what does she do when the time comes to fix something that’s gone wrong with the car? Or to haul a broken refrigerator out of the house? Or even to kill a goddamned spider? Suddenly, she realizes that she either doesn’t have the faintest idea how to do these things or that she flat out doesn’t want to.

And suddenly, that means they are his job. A man’s job.

“You’re a man,” she proclaims, “you’re supposed to do that stuff.”

No, no, ladies. If you expect a man to take on womanly duties, then you need to be prepared to take on manly ones as well. It’s a two-way street. You don’t just get to pull over and turn off the engine when it looks like things might get a little bit dirty.

Then there’s that special group of women, that group I find the most detestable. These are the women who have elected to stay at home while their partner goes to work and supports her financially. Is dinner ready when he comes home? Are the clothes laundered, is the house clean, are the children taken care of? No. Instead she has spent the day playing Facebook games after shipping the kids off to daycare or sticking them in front of Spongebob (which is really just redneck daycare). Dinner is a sandwich or something microwaveable and there is nary a clean sock to be found, although the dirty ones can be found strewn about the house alongside all manner of trash and clutter.

Is it a woman’s job to cook, clean, and raise children? Certainly not. But if you have made the conscious decision to stay at home while your significant other works – even if it was a decision you didn’t want to make but it was the most sensible one at the time, for whatever reason – then you are not exempt from working. You still have to do something. And yes, the majority of the things on your list of Shit To Do are going to domesticated tasks. If you were working, would you want to come home to an dirty house, unkempt children, and a bowl of cereal? Do you feel that you deserve more respect and appreciation than that? You’re right. You do.

And so does a man. You don’t get to cry “GIRL POWER!” just because you’re too goddamn lazy to switch from MTV to Food Network and learn how to cook a fucking steak. This isn’t about female empowerment, it’s about creating an equal partnership in which the work is equally shared. So get off your pedastal and stop thinking of these things as your “womanly duties”. Instead, think of them as your duties as a loving and thankful wife/fiance/girlfriend.

You’re not a feminist. You’re not a strong woman. You’re lazy, and you’re selfish, and eventually, you’re going to be single.

Laying to Rest Popular Gun Myths

While I’m not exactly sick of the gun control debate itself (because I do believe we have a serious issue with crime in this country and that something needs to be done about it), I don’t necessarily feel that harsher gun laws are going to solve the problem. But my view on gun control is not the focus of this post.

What I am sick of is hearing overblown nonsense from both camps disguised as facts or statistics to better support their argument. All it succeeds in doing is muddying waters that are already difficult to navigate. So let’s put some of this shit to rest, shall we?

“Switzerland has one of the lowest crime rates in Europe and one of the highest gun ownership rates in the world.” Switzerland is also a neutral country with no standing military. So, while it’s true that a large percentage of the population possesses firearms, those weapons are government issued. All able-bodied men between 20-30 are expected to serve a specific amount of time in a government-run militia and undergo military training, which includes weapons training. Their guns are kept in the home by government order in the event there is an invasion and their services are needed.

As for crime, Switzerland does have a very low rate. They also have a much smaller population compared to America, but even when adjusting the numbers to account for the difference, they’re still a pretty peaceful country as far as domestic crimes go. And that’s when socio-economics come in to play.

As far as household income, employment rate, health, and education, Switzerland exceeds the global averages. Since crime rates tend to be higher in economically disadvantaged areas, it goes without saying that a country whose citizens have financial stability, are in good health, and are well educated is a country that is less vulnerable to both violent and non-violent crime.

“We need to get rid of semi-automatic weapons.” Well, then, I guess we’re going back to muskets because the term semi-automatic applies to pretty much all modern firearms. This statement is typically made by people who have little to no knowledge of weapons, otherwise they’d know that what ‘semi-automatic’ really means is that the gun is self-loading, thus eliminating the need to manually fill the chamber with a bullet after each round is fired. It does not mean that when the trigger is pulled a single time, the gun will both reload and continue to fire until the ammo has been exhausted. These are fully-automatic weapons, and while there are semi-automatics capable of firing short bursts of three bullets at a time, they are nowhere near a military-grade AK47.

“If we want to keep our kids safe, we need to start arming our teachers.” Are you fucking crazy? No. There isn’t a chance in hell I’d send my children to a school where the teaching staff is armed. If we’ve got a problem with school shootings, why would putting guns in the school solve the problem?

“The 2nd Amendment specifically says ‘a well-regulated militia’, so clearly we need better gun regulation.” In a legal context, ‘well-regulated’ does not refer to gun control laws but rather to ensuring that those in possession of a firearm are properly trained to use them. This means that in order to be licensed to own a gun, you must prove that you know how to load, reload, aim, and fire, and that you are aware of all the precautions you must take when it comes to safety. While there are exceptions to every rule, every gun owner I’ve met personally is a good shot who properly stores and secures their weapon.

“They’re trying to get rid of 2nd Amendment!” This one would almost make me laugh – if it didn’t also make me so sad that such a large number of people are unaware of how our government works.

Since the Constitution was written, there have been over 11,000 proposed Amendments. Of those, we’ve passed just over 20, 17 of which are contained in what we lovingly refer to as the Bill of Rights. So, while maintaining the belief that doing away with or adding a constitutional amendment is as simple as picking up a pen is helpful to your argument, it doesn’t make your argument correct. It’s a far more complicated than many people realize and, given the stance on gun control that a lot of states and members of Congress have taken, it’s highly unlikely it would ever happen.

“If there’s a gun in the house, the people in that house are at a much higher risk of using it to commit suicide or of being shot.” Yes. And if there’s a cake in the house, that cake has a 100% chance of being eaten. Come on now, people.When someone commits suicide, they’re not doing it because they stumbled across a handgun on a rainy Sunday afternoon. If the gun wasn’t there, they aren’t going to say, “Oh, well, nevermind then!” They’ll just use something else. And do accidents with guns happen? Sure they do. Would it be more practical for people to protect their homestead with a sword or ninja stars? Not really. Would there still be accidents of the sword and ninja star variety? You bet your sweet ass.

This is an asinine statistic that was probably prefaced with the media’s favorite bullshit opening line: “A new study shows…”

“More people were killed by baseball bats than handguns, but we’re not making baseball bats illegal.” Sorry, champ – if you believe that, you’re borderline delusional. There were more people killed by bats than by automatic rifles, yes – but handguns? Please. Use your head.

I’m sure I’ve opened myself up to all sorts of criticism, and that’s ducky. Criticism doesn’t bother me. What DOES bother me are people who are seemingly unable to engage in civil discourse. So, if you care to leave a comment voicing your dissent, by all means – I encourage it! But don’t be a dick about it – to me, or to any other people who choose to comment.


10 Surefire Ways to Annoy An Atheist

On behalf of all atheists, I would respectfully request that those of you practicing your chosen faith refrain from saying or asking the following:

  1. “Well, have you ever read the [insert holy book of choice]? Maybe you should.”
    The answer, in most cases, is yes. Many atheists were not brought up in faithless households. In fact, many of us attended church in our youth and are well acquainted with whatever religion those who raised us were practicing. In my experience, atheists tend to know a lot more about religion, Christianity in particular, than the followers themselves. But, even if we have not read it, it is presumptuous to assume that someone’s entire belief (or non-belief) system is going to be shaken to its foundation simply by reading a book. We don’t go around suggesting that you read the works of Immanuel Kant or Carl Sagan or Stephen Hawking – it’d be nice if you’d return the favor.
  2. “You’re going to hell!”
    We don’t believe in hell. (Neither, for that matter, do the Jews, and they’re supposedly God’s Chosen People – what does that tell you?). If this is meant to be a threat, it’s a weak one. And it makes you sound like an asshole.
  3. “You just haven’t gone to the right church.”
    No church will ever be the right church. It has nothing to do with the church itself, and everything to do with what we believe is the most logical and reasonable explanation for life and the universe as we know it. Would it be fair to say that you just haven’t gone to the right science classes?
  4. “Why do you hate God?”
    We can’t hate something we don’t believe in. Certainly there are plenty of angry atheists out there who insist on being arrogant and aggressive toward people of faith, asserting that they are stupid or ignorant or otherwise inferior because they choose to believe their existence can be credited to a deity rather than physics. But most of us take no issue with religion unless it is used as an excuse to harm others or to discriminate against them.
  5. “Science won’t get you anywhere. Religion will.”
    Really? Science got us to the moon. Checkmate.
  6. “Technically, atheism is a religion, too.”
    The meaning of religion is, by definition: “the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, esp. a personal God or gods.” So…no. Atheism is the antithesis of religion.
  7. “Well, what’s going to happen when you find out you’re wrong?”
    If your god  is as loving and forgiving as you say he is, I’d like to think he’d cut me a break.
  8. “How can you possibly believe that nothing happens when you die?”
    I don’t believe that at all. The Law of Conservation of Energy is one we’re all familiar with: energy cannot be (naturally) created or destroyed. The human body is full of energy; when we die, it has to go somewhere. It’s my belief that everything we see and everything we are came from stars that exploded billions of years ago and that each atom that makes up my physical being was once part of one of those stars. Therefore, when I die, those atoms that once were me will return to the cosmos and become something else.
  9. “Evolution is just a theory, too.”
    True – but here’s the beauty of science: when a discovery is made or facts are presented to disprove a theory, scientists accept it and start over. You can’t do that with religion because the religious don’t believe the existence of god is a theory – they believe it to be fact, and often refuse to adjust their beliefs to fit the facts.
  10. “I’ll pray for you.”
    Um. Okay. Thanks?