Perhaps I’ve been out of the dating game too long, but holy hell, ladies…you sure do bitch a lot. And for as much as the lot of you proclaim that you don’t need men and that men are shit, you sure do spend a lot of time bitching about men.
Yet as I stand here on the sidelines, next to my minivan equipped with carseats and a Febreeze air freshener and a glovebox full of emergency napkins all domesticated and whatnot, I cannot help but notice that you’re all making the same mistakes. Over. And over. And over.
Fucking stop it, or shut up.
If you’d prefer to stop it, here’s some helpful tips to help you on your way.
1. As my good friend Rachel says, “The cat does not chase the dog.” You’re the cat, goddamnit. What the fuck are you doing glancing at your phone every 10 seconds to see if he texted you back? Why the fuck do you keep texting him when he hasn’t texted you back? Move on. You’re not in love with the guy. It’s not the end of the world. And there’s an excellent chance that there’s a good-looking dude out there who’s not only willing to give you the D but is also willing to answer your asinine texts.
2. Your vagina cannot cure emotional damage. Save yourself some trouble – and heartache – and stop thinking that the dude you are routinely shagging will see that there is something special about you, something that is different from all the other girls he’s taken a shit all over (figuratively, of course…unless you’re in to that sort of thing). It’s just sex. If you want more than just sex, you’re not gonna get it with that asshole. Rest assured, he’ll probably find that “special” girl he needs…and she’ll probably be just as fucked up as he is.
3. Contrary to what you have been taught, the silent treatment is not a punishment. It’s passive aggressive bullshit. Grow the fuck up and talk your problems out like an adult. Furthermore…
4. …yelling/nagging is a shitty way to get what you want. It may work. It may feel good while you’re doing it. But I guarantee you,the one thing every man in the world appreciates the most isn’t a good cook or perfect housekeeper or awesome lay…it’s a woman who knows when to shut her fucking trap.
5. Mind your own goddamn business. If you’re going through his cell phone, his Facebook, his mail, his drawers, and other personal things, the last place you need to be is in a relationship. The first place you need to be is in therapy. Crazy ass.
6. Take responsibility for your own short-comings and stop blaming your past for your present. If your childhood or a former boyfriend still have so much of an impact on your life that you are unable to function normally in a relationship, you need to handle your business on your own. Stop expecting a man to fix you and stop getting angry with him when he doesn’t. You need to figure out how to handle your own mental hang-ups as an individual before you subject a partner to them.
7. Sometimes it’s your fault. Life is not a Taylor Swift song. Chicks fuck up just as often as guys do; if you’re trying to twist the story to make yourself come out looking like an angel then maybe you should examine why you’re trying so hard to avoid feeling your own guilt.
8. If you find yourself repeatedly picking up the pieces of your broken heart maybe it’s time to take a step back and acknowledge that the common factor in your failed relationships is you. Your last three boyfriends cheated on you. Your last three boyfriends were jobless bums. Your last three boyfriends were always in and out of jail. It might not be your fault that he was a cheater or a mooch or a criminal, but it is your fault that you keep picking the same type of guy. If you don’t think you deserve better, then you’re never going to get someone better. Fact.
9. Stop whining. If you’re still moping and bitching about relationships that ended months or even years ago, congratulations: you are the most unappealing woman in the room. Let go of the notion that there is some sensitive dude out there who’s going to hear your sob story, take pity on you, nurture you, and wife you. This is not a Nicholas Sparks novel – either get over it or get out of the dating pool. But if you don’t want to follow my advice, then don’t be surprised when you get taken advantage of by some douchebag who preys on the emotionally weak. If you stop looking at yourself as a victim, everyone else will too.
10. If you want a grown up relationship, start acting like a grown up. Quit having your friends talk to guys for you, don’t pretend you like shit like sports and beer when you prefer Justin Bieber and wine coolers, and stop freaking out on the guy over trivial shit. Stop putting out on the first date when you actually like a dude, stop professing your undying love by date number two, and stop thinking that third date is reasonable time to get engaged. Being in a committed relationship is serious, and it takes work. If you’re not ready for it, there’s no shame in that.
11. A guy is not an asshole just because he doesn’t want to date a woman with kids. Frankly, you should give that guy a medal for being decent enough to admit it. Kids are a big responsibility and if a guy isn’t ready or willing to take care of kids that aren’t even his, then he’s not the guy for you. That doesn’t make him a bad person.
12. There are roles to be filled in every relationship. Play your part, or make it a solo act. If you want to stay at home while he works, learn how to cook and clean. If you’re an independent woman who doesn’t mind being the breadwinner, lose the superiority complex and realize that what he brings to the table is still worth something, even if it isn’t a paycheck. Your individual strengths should complement the other’s weaknesses – they shouldn’t be used as ammunition in an argument.
13. Stop filling the friend zone to capacity. Let’s be honest here, ladies – most of you aren’t friend-zoning these guys because there’s no chemistry or because he’s like a brother to you. You’re sticking them there because they’re not good-looking enough for you. My guess is that you’re neither a beauty queen or a supermodel…but even if you were, that would just make you an attractive superficial bitch, instead of just a run-of-the-mill superficial bitch. Don’t get me wrong, I know you have to be sexually attracted to someone for a relationship to work out. But if you’re nixing sweet, funny, intelligent, successful guys because they have facial hair instead of being clean-shaven or because they’re 5’10” instead of 6’2″ then your priorities are on a whole new level of fucked up.
14. Speaking of good looks…be realistic. I’m not telling you to lower your standards or your self-confidence. But there is really no kind way to say what I am about to say: if you are 100 pounds overweight, you are probably not going to wind up with Johnny Hardbody. If you shower once a week and have teeth that look like a rickety picket fence, it is doubtful that your future groom will be an Ashton Kutcher lookalike. I’m not saying it’s impossible…just incredibly fucking unlikely. But for those of you who find this kernel of truth hard to swallow, here’s another tidbit to wash it down with: the fact that a man doesn’t want to date you because you’re fat or have Chiclet teeth doesn’t automatically qualify him as a shallow asshole. It just means that he is not attracted to you. You are not his type. Would you date someone you thought was hideous? No? Then how are you any different?
15. Your dating life should not be a game of musical chairs in which the chairs are penises. It’s one thing to casually date people without actually getting exclusively involved. It’s quite another to jump from boyfriend to boyfriend every 4-6 months. It makes you look weak. It makes you look co-dependent. And when you profess after each inevitable break up that you’re “done with guys” when everyone knows damn well you’ll have a new “soulmate” by next Tuesday, it makes you look stupid.