The Friend Zone: Women’s Edition

Women are notorious for taking perfectly dateable men and transporting them to a cold, dark place known as The Friend Zone. You’ve done it. I’ve done it. We’ve all done it. And we probably have at least one  “friend” that we’re kicking ourselves in the ass for friend-zoning.

But let’s not assume that this practice is exclusive to women. Men, I’ve found, do the same thing, and women are just as oblivious to it.

When it comes to The Friend Zone, there’s really no question as to why a man has been put there: the woman doesn’t want to date you. She will never date you. She will ask you to fix stuff for her, and she will bitch about the asshole she’s currently dating, but she will never date you, and that is clear.

Not so with men. They have what I like to call the Back Up Barn and it is here that they herd sad, desperate females with the oft-unfulfilled promise of “I dunno, maybe, one day, possibly, I guess.”

Here’s how to tell if you’re just another sexy sheep.


1. Obviously if he’s being up front with you about his other romantic interests then you are not one of them. Most women are smart enough to figure that out, so they pack it up and move on. But if he’s being deliberately vague with you about other women, or what his feelings are with respect to you, guess what? HE DOESN’T HAVE ANY. You’re a Plan B, sweetheart. A silver medal. Give it up.

2. If all of his compliments are with respect to your looks, that’s pretty much all he’s interested in. Feel free to fuck him all ya want, but don’t expect it to go further than that. Men are not as shallow as we make them out to be – he’s not pursuing a relationship with a pretty girl just because she’s pretty; he’s actually interested in her, on some level, as a human being. The majority of people aren’t going to enter in to a commitment with someone they can’t stand or have nothing in common with – and that includes men. If you think every guy who’s ever turned you down falls under that category, maybe you should ask yourself why you’re drawn to that kind of man in the first place.

3. You know how you’ll talk to someone every day, and there’s flirtatious banter and cutesy exchanges and winky faces and hearts and shit? Ever had that just stop abruptly, and suddenly your conversations (which you always seem to initiate) become forced, and there is absolutely zero explanation for it? There is an explanation for it: he’s talking to a girl who isn’t you. And if this happens every few weeks or so, he’s talking to a lot of girls who aren’t you.

Yes, people get busy. Yes, shit happens unexpectedly. But people who actually give a shit about you are willing to explain that. If a guy can spend three hours texting back and forthwith you,  he can spend three seconds texting you to say he’s busy at work, or out of town for the week. If he doesn’t, you weren’t that important to begin with. Get over it and find someone who does think you’re worth three seconds of their time.

4. It takes a lot for a anyone, male or female, to muster up the courage to ask a potential partner point blank where we stand as far as dating is concerned. That’s a really vulnerable position to be in – and if the guy snaps on you, gets pissed off, clams up, is visibly offended, or basically reacts in any way that isn’t civilized open dialogue, you’re a back up bitch. You exist solely for “just in case”. Otherwise, why is he turning this in to such an issue? Why would he make you feel about thisbig for asking a fairly simple question?

Remember ladies and gentlemen:

-You are no one’s second choice.

-You are no one’s silver medal.

-You are no one’s back up plan.


If you think that’s all you deserve, go be in a relationship with yourself for a while. It’s probably for the best.


Don’t Be A Girlfriend – Be A Bro!

Ladies, if you haven’t heard, men are no longer interested in girly girls with painted toes and pretty dresses. Men want a girl who can drink. Men want a girl who likes camping and fishing and getting dirty. Men want a girl they can show off to their friends and party with.

Men don’t want to date a woman. They want to date a bro.

Here’s how to give them what they want.

1. Burp and fart a lot.

Men love a gassy woman. In fact, if you can find a way to fart on them, that’s even better.


2. Enjoy sports.

It doesn’t matter if you don’t care about them, don’t have a favorite team, or can’t tell the difference between an orange bouncy ball and the oblong brown one. If you want him to put a ring on it, you jump on his team’s bandwagon and you fucking like it.


3. Drink beer, preferably from a tube or funnel.

Real women don’t use glasses and they sure as shit don’t drink wine. They drink the fizzy, delicious man nectar otherwise known as beer, and they drink a lot of it at once. Then they kick ass at beer pong and throw up in a potted plant. Then they start taking shots while listening to Lil Jon.


4. Fuck manners.

Only pussies don’t act super obnoxious in public. Don’t use your napkin! Remember to burp! Impede on the conversations of everyone nearby by loudly discussing tits and how smashed you got last weekend!



5. Stop putting so much effort in to your looks.

A bro can be showered, dressed, and ready to go in under thirty minutes, especially if he has the complete line of Axe products. Shower, shit, and shave, then throw on whatever doesn’t smell like last night’s vomit. Deodorant optional.


6. Rid yourself of all girly paraphernalia.

Fuck your fluffy pillows and your Egyptian cotton sheets; get yourself a futon for fucksakes You don’t need vases of flowers, you need ashtrays and all of the liquor bottles from previous parties on full display. Is that a fucking chaise lounge? What the fuck is a chaise lounge? Get a goddamn tiki bar and take down any pictures of Marilyn Monroe that don’t show titties.


7. Watch better movies.

No one wants to see “White People Fall In Love Then Someone Dies” based on the novel by Nicholas Sparks. Drop all your bitch-made notions about movies and go watch SuperMegaFuckYou Lords of Domination and Dat Ass, Part IV. You’ll thank me later.


(Chuck Norris doesn’t need a fucking meme, bitch.)

Fellas, if you don’t really find any of that to be particularly appealing when it comes to your mate, maybe you should start appreciating the other ways in which your partner can be your best friend.


How To Tell That Bitch Be Crazy: A Gentleman’s Guide

The majority of magazines we see on the shelves seem to be targeted toward women. Single women. Single, independent women. Women that don’t need to take no shit from no man, nosir! And, as you’d expect, the pages are filled with useful “tips” and “checklists” to help them narrow down and filter out the countless douchebags that run in and out of their lives.

Men don’t seem to get the benefit of getting monthly Crazy Bitch Lists, though, which hardly seems fair since the douchebag/crazy bitch ratio is pretty even.

Fellas, I’m here to help. And not with the obvious stuff that you guys already know – saying I love you too soon, going through your phone, etc. No, no.

You deserve better.


1. She looks run through.

Ya’ll know what I mean, right? Banged more times than a screen door? Ridden like the town bike?

Now let’s get one thing straight: I firmly believe that a woman should be able to have as many (or as few) sexual partners as she wants without being criticized or labeled a whore. You are not a whore if you practice safe sex. You just like sex. And that’s cool.

But there are women who don’t have that kind of respect for themselves, and as a result, they look…well…run through. Maybe she hasn’t even had sex with that many guys, she’s just sucked a lot of dick. In any event, she wasn’t having sex with these men because she wanted to have sex and she’s comfortable in her body. She did it for attention and affection, no matter how briefly it was given. And you can tell, because it leaves a visible residue of run through-edness.

If you can’t tell if a girl looks run through, ask a lady friend. They’ll know. We always know.

Girls make bad decisions. Crazy girls keep making them. Don’t be another bad decision.

2. She’s rude to waiters.

I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal, but it is. For one, you have got to be crazy as batshit if you mouth off to people who touch your food.

It also shows a blatant disrespect for people she considers to be “beneath” her, which means she holds herself in pretty high esteem – and even if she’s brilliant and beautiful and successful, that’s no excuse to be an asshole to a stranger. If she’s going to be that shitty to someone whose last name she doesn’t know because they forgot to leave off the onions, what’s she going to do YOU if you forget to take out the trash?

3. She hates kids.

If you also hate kids, you can disregard this one. You’re both clearly insane.

And to clarify, I don’t mean she doesn’t want kids. I don’t mean kids make her uncomfortable. Some people just aren’t kid people. But in my experience, people who actually harbor a hatred for kids are fucking looney tunes. They’re children. They are loud and stinky, yes, but mostly they’re innocent and harmless. And they give you an excuse to play with Legos again. Who hates that? It’s weird.

4. Facebook is way more important than it should be.

If she keeps pestering you to make things Facebook official; if your notifications are full of shit she’s tagged you in, if she must commemorate a trip to Starbucks with a couples’ selfie, that bitch is nutty like a Payday bar.

I understand that social media plays a huge role in peoples’ lives now, but your news feed should never look like this:

(9:46AM) Jessica M. Just woke up and already thinking about my man @JohnWilliams! #hesthebest #luckyme

(10:29AM) Jessica M. Getting ready to go to a movie with the boyfriend @JohnWilliams! #sospoiled

(11:17AM) Jessica M. On my way to the theater! #excited #cantwait

(11:34AM) Jessica M. Standing outside of the theater! Aren’t we a cute couple! <insert stupid fucking selfie here>

(12:22PM) Jessica M. Left theater to pee, just want to remind you bitches @JohnWilliams is MINE #dontbejealous

(2:08PM) Jessica M -> John Williams’ Wall:










What. The. Fuck.

5. She drinks…a LOT.

If all of your dates must include a party, a bar, a club, or the opportunity for her to get smashed out of her mind, then guess what? She’s not fun. She’s not a party girl. She’s a wackadoo with a drinking problem.

Shit, she might not even really have a drinking problem, but it’s always a red flag if she’s gotta get tipsy whenever you guys hang out. She’s either insecure with her own personality and drowns that insecurity in gin, or she really does have a fucked-off, boring personality and alcohol is the only thing that makes her interesting. To quote the Governator, “Get out; get out now!”


Gentlemen, I wish you the best in finding the lady of your dreams. But if she’s a nightmare, don’t say you haven’t been warned.


Five Reasons to Be Friends With Your Ex

It’s always baffled me, how two people can date, fall in love, mean the world to each other, then break up and feel nothing but contempt toward a person they shared their life with in such an intimate way.

There are always exceptions: Any kind of abuse. Some incredibly scandalous event, like trying to have you killed for insurance money or banging your sister. I get that. But if two people split because it just isn’t working out, because they fight too much and love too little, then what’s the big deal?

Why can’t we continue being friends with our exes? Weren’t they, at one point, our very best friends? Didn’t we share our victories, our defeats, our fears, our happiness, our secrets, and our stories? Do we just not think that any type of friendship would be beneficial to either party?

I’m friends with most of my exes; I’d consider two of them (one being the father of my children) to be my closest friends. I’m not going to lie and tell you getting there wasn’t awkward or bumpy, but I can tell you that maintaining a relationship with these two awesome people was totally worth it. And, in the case of my kids’ daddy, the best possible decision we could have made.

***NOTE: None of this will apply if there are still residual feelings left over. Time and space, my friends. Go slow, start small. Always remember, it ended for a reason, and that reason was probably a pretty damn good one.

1. They can call us out on our bullshit.

They know exactly when we’re talking out of our asses, being unrealistic, being too judgmental, and, in general, being a total shithead. And now that they’re officially in the friend zone, they have nothing to lose (read: sexy nekkid time) by telling us to chill the fuck out. So while a lot of our friends will just feed in to our nonsense because they think it’s what friends should do, an ex will help us put whatever brand of crazy we’re wearing in to perspective.

2. They know what we need when we’re drunk.

Whether it’s to be left alone or coddled, cut off from shots or fed a cheeseburger, an ex has been there. Maybe a lot, if you really like to hit the sauce. It’s always nice to have a reliable babysitter to make sure your skirt doesn’t fly over your head and vomit stays in designated areas.

3. Fellas, a wingwoman is superior to a wingman.

Women are usually more comfortable talking to other women in bars, and if your ex hits it off with a girl you wouldn’t mind seeing on her back, she can always put in a good reference. But keep in mind – you’ll owe her one.

4. They’ll be the best for critics for the new people we date.

A man can smell a player and a woman can smell a whore. Just like the rest of our friends, an ex will be protective of us – but they also know exactly what kind of good shit we can bring to the table in a relationship and will be a bit more critical of who deserves us. At some point, the bond you have with your ex will evolve in to a sort of sibling relationship – the motivation isn’t jealousy, but a true concern for our happiness and well-being.

5. An ex will keep your secrets – because you know a bunch of theirs.

Provided you had a normal relationship that didn’t involve broadcasting your problems to all your friends or humilating each other on social media, most couples have a LOT of shit on each other by the time the relationship ends. And if you have any respect for them (and you aren’t a fucking 12 year old), you’ve kept that shit to yourself. There is no better confidante than an ex.

How to Stop Kidding Yourself: A Step-By-Step Guide

Perhaps I’ve been out of the dating game too long, but holy hell, ladies…you sure do bitch a lot. And for as much as the lot of you proclaim that you don’t need men and that men are shit, you sure do spend a lot of time bitching about men.

Yet as I stand here on the sidelines, next to my minivan equipped with carseats and a Febreeze air freshener and a glovebox full of emergency napkins all domesticated and whatnot, I cannot help but notice that you’re all making the same mistakes. Over. And over. And over.

Fucking stop it, or shut up.

If you’d prefer to stop it, here’s some helpful tips to help you on your way.

1. As my good friend Rachel says, “The cat does not chase the dog.” You’re the cat, goddamnit. What the fuck are you doing glancing at your phone every 10 seconds to see if he texted you back? Why the fuck do you keep texting him when he hasn’t texted you back? Move on. You’re not in love with the guy. It’s not the end of the world. And there’s an excellent chance that there’s a good-looking dude out there who’s not only willing to give you the D but is also willing to answer your asinine texts.

2. Your vagina cannot cure emotional damage. Save yourself some trouble – and heartache – and stop thinking that the dude you are routinely shagging will see that there is something special about you, something that is different from all the other girls he’s taken a shit all over (figuratively, of course…unless you’re in to that sort of thing). It’s just sex. If you want more than just sex, you’re not gonna get it with that asshole. Rest assured, he’ll probably find that “special” girl he needs…and she’ll probably be just as fucked up as he is.

3. Contrary to what you have been taught, the silent treatment is not a punishment. It’s passive aggressive bullshit. Grow the fuck up and talk your problems out like an adult. Furthermore…

4. …yelling/nagging is a shitty way to get what you want. It may work. It may feel good while you’re doing it. But I guarantee you,the one thing every man in the world appreciates the most isn’t a good cook or perfect housekeeper or awesome lay…it’s a woman who knows when to shut her fucking trap.

5. Mind your own goddamn business. If you’re going through his cell phone, his Facebook, his mail, his drawers, and other personal things, the last place you need to be is in a relationship. The first place you need to be is in therapy. Crazy ass.

6. Take responsibility for your own short-comings and stop blaming your past for your present. If your childhood or a former boyfriend still have so much of an impact on your life that you are unable to function normally in a relationship, you need to handle your business on your own. Stop expecting a man to fix you and stop getting angry with him when he doesn’t. You need to figure out how to handle your own mental hang-ups as an individual before you subject a partner to them.

7. Sometimes it’s your fault. Life is not a Taylor Swift song. Chicks fuck up just as often as guys do; if you’re trying to twist the story to make yourself come out looking like an angel then maybe you should examine why you’re trying so hard to avoid feeling your own guilt.

8. If you find yourself repeatedly picking up the pieces of your broken heart maybe it’s time to take a step back and acknowledge that the common factor in your failed relationships is you. Your last three boyfriends cheated on you. Your last three boyfriends were jobless bums. Your last three boyfriends were always in and out of jail. It might not be your fault that he was a cheater or a mooch or a criminal, but it is your fault that you keep picking the same type of guy. If you don’t think you deserve better, then you’re never going to get someone better. Fact.

9. Stop whining. If you’re still moping and bitching about relationships that ended months or even years ago, congratulations: you are the most unappealing woman in the room. Let go of the notion that there is some sensitive dude out there who’s going to hear your sob story, take pity on you, nurture you, and wife you. This is not a Nicholas Sparks novel – either get over it or get out of the dating pool. But if you don’t want to follow my advice, then don’t be surprised when you get taken advantage of by some douchebag who preys on the emotionally weak. If you stop looking at yourself as a victim, everyone else will too.

10. If you want a grown up relationship, start acting like a grown up. Quit having your friends talk to guys for you, don’t pretend you like shit like sports and beer when you prefer Justin Bieber and wine coolers, and stop freaking out on the guy over trivial shit. Stop putting out on the first date when you actually like a dude, stop professing your undying love by date number two, and stop thinking that third date is reasonable time to get engaged. Being in a committed relationship is serious, and it takes work. If you’re not ready for it, there’s no shame in that.

11. A guy is not an asshole just because he doesn’t want to date a woman with kids. Frankly, you should give that guy a medal for being decent enough to admit it. Kids are a big responsibility and if a guy isn’t ready or willing to take care of kids that aren’t even his, then he’s not the guy for you. That doesn’t make him a bad person.

12. There are roles to be filled in every relationship. Play your part, or make it a solo act. If you want to stay at home while he works, learn how to cook and clean. If you’re an independent woman who doesn’t mind being the breadwinner, lose the superiority complex and realize that what he brings to the table is still worth something, even if it isn’t a paycheck. Your individual strengths should complement the other’s weaknesses – they shouldn’t be used as ammunition in an argument.

13. Stop filling the friend zone to capacity. Let’s be honest here, ladies – most of you aren’t friend-zoning these guys because there’s no chemistry or because he’s like a brother to you. You’re sticking them there because they’re not good-looking enough for you. My guess is that you’re neither a beauty queen or a supermodel…but even if you were, that would just make you an attractive superficial bitch, instead of just a run-of-the-mill superficial bitch. Don’t get me wrong, I know you have to be sexually attracted to someone for a relationship to work out. But if you’re nixing sweet, funny, intelligent, successful guys because they have facial hair instead of being clean-shaven or because they’re 5’10” instead of 6’2″ then your priorities are on a whole new level of fucked up.

14. Speaking of good looks…be realistic. I’m not telling you to lower your standards or your self-confidence. But there is really no kind way to say what I am about to say: if you are 100 pounds overweight, you are probably not going to wind up with Johnny Hardbody. If you shower once a week and have teeth that look like a rickety picket fence, it is doubtful that your future groom will be an Ashton Kutcher lookalike. I’m not saying it’s impossible…just incredibly fucking unlikely. But for those of you who find this kernel of truth hard to swallow, here’s another tidbit to wash it down with: the fact that a man doesn’t want to date you because you’re fat or have Chiclet teeth doesn’t automatically qualify him as a shallow asshole. It just means that he is not attracted to you. You are not his type. Would you date someone you thought was hideous? No? Then how are you any different?

15. Your dating life should not be a game of musical chairs in which the chairs are penises. It’s one thing to casually date people without actually getting exclusively involved. It’s quite another to jump from boyfriend to boyfriend every 4-6 months. It makes you look weak. It makes you look co-dependent. And when you profess after each inevitable break up that you’re “done with guys” when everyone knows damn well you’ll have a new “soulmate” by next Tuesday, it makes you look stupid.