Don’t Be A Girlfriend – Be A Bro!

Ladies, if you haven’t heard, men are no longer interested in girly girls with painted toes and pretty dresses. Men want a girl who can drink. Men want a girl who likes camping and fishing and getting dirty. Men want a girl they can show off to their friends and party with.

Men don’t want to date a woman. They want to date a bro.

Here’s how to give them what they want.

1. Burp and fart a lot.

Men love a gassy woman. In fact, if you can find a way to fart on them, that’s even better.


2. Enjoy sports.

It doesn’t matter if you don’t care about them, don’t have a favorite team, or can’t tell the difference between an orange bouncy ball and the oblong brown one. If you want him to put a ring on it, you jump on his team’s bandwagon and you fucking like it.


3. Drink beer, preferably from a tube or funnel.

Real women don’t use glasses and they sure as shit don’t drink wine. They drink the fizzy, delicious man nectar otherwise known as beer, and they drink a lot of it at once. Then they kick ass at beer pong and throw up in a potted plant. Then they start taking shots while listening to Lil Jon.


4. Fuck manners.

Only pussies don’t act super obnoxious in public. Don’t use your napkin! Remember to burp! Impede on the conversations of everyone nearby by loudly discussing tits and how smashed you got last weekend!



5. Stop putting so much effort in to your looks.

A bro can be showered, dressed, and ready to go in under thirty minutes, especially if he has the complete line of Axe products. Shower, shit, and shave, then throw on whatever doesn’t smell like last night’s vomit. Deodorant optional.


6. Rid yourself of all girly paraphernalia.

Fuck your fluffy pillows and your Egyptian cotton sheets; get yourself a futon for fucksakes You don’t need vases of flowers, you need ashtrays and all of the liquor bottles from previous parties on full display. Is that a fucking chaise lounge? What the fuck is a chaise lounge? Get a goddamn tiki bar and take down any pictures of Marilyn Monroe that don’t show titties.


7. Watch better movies.

No one wants to see “White People Fall In Love Then Someone Dies” based on the novel by Nicholas Sparks. Drop all your bitch-made notions about movies and go watch SuperMegaFuckYou Lords of Domination and Dat Ass, Part IV. You’ll thank me later.


(Chuck Norris doesn’t need a fucking meme, bitch.)

Fellas, if you don’t really find any of that to be particularly appealing when it comes to your mate, maybe you should start appreciating the other ways in which your partner can be your best friend.



Dear Military Wives

First and foremost, ladies, let me just express the respect I have for your ability to be brave, strong, loyal, and devoted while your husband is either deployed, or otherwise unable to come home to you. That takes a special kind of person. Obviously, if you are out fucking his friends or random dudes you meet on Facebook, that statement does not apply to you, because you are, well, a whore.

That being said, let’s be clear: you are not in the military. You are not serving your country. You are not fulfilling your duties as an American soldier simply because an American soldier put a ring on your finger. YOU. ARE. A. WIFE.

Perhaps the argument can be made that the sacrifices you make are greater than those of the average wife, particularly in the case where your partner is deployed, because you undoubtedly live in constant fear of the Knock on the Door. But the same argument can be made for the wives of police officers, firefighters, and those who work on an oil tanker. Yet I have met the wives of such people, and they do not seem to have the same sense of entitlement or the air of importance that many of you have.

And if you have kids? Yes, it must be very difficult for you to raise your children almost entirely by yourself. But you are no different from the single parents that do the same thing – except that you have a military paycheck and benefits to assist you in your task.

The fact that my partner comes home to me each night does not make my duties, responsibilities, love, or commitment lesser than yours by comparison. You do not have to be married to a military man to be a superwife. In fact, I’d venture to say that many of you marry these men just for the thrill and the romanticism of it, only to divorce a handful of years later when you realize you don’t have what it takes to see a marriage through – especially one where your life and the life of your family is pretty much dictated by what the military decides.

Your husband is the hero. You are his wife. You are not entitled to the same honor and respect, and you are not entitled to any special treatment. Stop placing yourself and your marriage on a pedestal. Stop acting like those of us who married mechanics or insurance salesmen are oblivious to the special circumstances surrounding your marriage. There are special circumstances in every marriage – and they don’t always come in uniform.