What Babies Are Not

I know a few people that are always going on about wanting children, how they’re going to have a baby in a year when things “settle down”, how they think they’d make great parents, how they’re going to do everything right when they have a little one of their own. And in nearly every single fucking instance, I think to myself, “You are the exact type of person who should not have a baby right now.”

And it’s because they really have no concept of what a baby is. What it means to have a child. They do not comprehend that once you decide to have a kid, the life you have led for however many years is gone. You have a new life now. In many ways, it will be better, and in more ways it will be harder, and that is due in no small part to the fact that parenting is one of the few things in life that you pretty much have to completely fucking improvise. There is no manual, no two week training period, no documentary. You just kinda have to, you know, do it, and hope like hell no one dies.

So. For those of you who think you can like, omigosh, so totally handle having a kid cuz maybe you’ve babysat a few times and your nieces and nephews seem to like you – read on. This is for you.

1. A baby is not a doll. You’re having a human, not a Barbie. And if you knew shit about kids, you’d know that the last thing you need is a plethora of cutesy little goddamn outfits, since a baby will just shit and puke all over them, then promptly get too big to wear any of it.

2. A baby is not a relationship Band-aid. Your marriage/partnership will not improve by bringing a human life in to the mix. My guess is it’s probably going to get worse because babies are stressful and exhausting. If your relationship is on the rocks, work that shit out before you drag an innocent child in to it.

3. A baby is not proof of your maturity. If you think it is, you’re not mature enough to have a baby.

4. A baby is not fun. Yeah, there are parts of parenthood that are fun. But in those early, formative months, it’s a lot of craziness, trial and error, questions, stress, confusion, worry, and sleepless nights. You aren’t going to have fun for a while, champ.

5. A baby is not temporary. Your life is changed now. You can’t just dump the kid off with someone and go about your pre-kid existence. You can’t party every weekend. You can’t party in the middle of the week. You don’t get to sleep 12 hours a day anymore. Your shitty minimum wage job will no longer cut it. Your child deserves all of you, they require the absolute best that you have to give.

6. A baby is not a dog. I shouldn’t even have to fucking say this. I don’t care how much you love your dog. I don’t care that your dog has pet insurance and is doted on and worshipped. I don’t care that you think dog owners have it harder because they don’t qualify for government assistance (yeah, I’ve actually heard these words come out of someone’s mouth). YOUR DOG IS NOT A FUCKING HUMAN BEING. PERIOD. IT IS NOT THE SAME. 

To help put this in perspective: Let’s say your apartment building is on fire. A baby is trapped inside. So is your dog. Now let’s say your best friend comes along. When given the choice between rescuing YOUR DOG and a STRANGER’S BABY most people are going to pick the baby. Yes, the fact that you take such good care of your pet is a good indicator that you’ll be good with a child. But if you think caring for a dog and caring for a baby are basically the same thing, you’re a fucking idiot.

7. A baby is not leverage. Pregnancy is not how you keep a man in a relationship. A child is not a pawn for use in your divorce/break up. If you think a child is a good way to manipulate people, you are a shitty person.

8. A baby will not grow up to be your best friend. It’s your child, not your buddy. You did not give birth to a minime. You gave birth to a goddamn individual. If you are still operating under the assumption that you won’t be like your parents, that you’ll let them wear what they want and talk how they want and do what they want, you are delusional. My kids’ grandmother put it best: “if your teenager doesn’t hate you at some point, you’re not doing your job as a parent.”

9. A baby is not a trophy. You are going to fuck up this kid. No matter what you do, you will do something wrong. And chances are, your kid is still going to be okay. If you have this grand idea in your head that feeding a kid only organic food and never letting them watch TV and making sure every hard surface in their life is covered in foam, you are totally missing the point of being a parent. A baby is not something you parade around and show off so everyone knows what a stellar person you are. You aren’t perfect. Your kid won’t be either. And that’s okay.


Please breed responsibly.


Stop Posting This On Facebook

Exploiting the Children of Strangers
You understand that if you post stuff like this, you’re an asshole, right? That someone basically took a stock photo of a REAL deformed/injured baby and added a bunch of lies to the bottom (like I just did with the above image in MS Paint)? You know that Facebook isn’t giving anyone a fucking dime, don’t you? And did you know if you took, like, five seconds to use Google you could have found this out for yourself?

Promoting Fear Campaigns

Again, do your goddamn research. If you want to hate Pop Tarts for valid reasons like the fact that they’re disgusting and over-processed and don’t even remotely resemble a traditional tart, more power to you. But don’t go spreading nonsensical bullshit that has absolutely no basis in reality.

Misquoting Dead Hollywood Starlets
As much as you would like to believe that Marilyn Monroe was constantly spouting nuggets of truth to justify the actions of crazy bitches, you are mistaken. Marilyn Monroe may have embraced her nuttiness, but she was also fucking a president and knew how to keep her goddamn trap shut. You should try it sometime, after you stop posting these nonsense memes.

Memes that Inspire Me…to Kill MyselfImage
Your Facebook wall should never look like the drab, beige walls of a call center manager’s office. I’m all for inspiration and uplifting crap but I’d also like to make it through the day without throwing up in my mouth if you don’t mind.

Asinine Shit Masquerading As Real News

For every idiot article like this that you share, I demand you share at lease three articles of relevance. Politics. Economics. Human rights. Science. Technology. Something that actually makes a difference in the world. This kind of shit is not what journalism was supposed to be about. Then again, neither was making up arbitrary lists about shit that pisses you off on Facebook.

This Stupid Fucking Candle
Much like the deformed baby, you are doing nothing for any cause whatsoever by sharing a stock picture of a cylindrical bit of wax that someone has lit on fire. There are millions of ways you can help the causes you hold dear, and if you’re not doing any of those things, then stop sharing this kind of shit to make everyone think you are. It takes effort to give back to the world, and that effort goes beyond the scope of clicking a link.

I Like to Live Dangerously

I live on the edge, you guys. I’m crazy. Wild. Daring. The fucks I give are nonexistent.

Get like me.


order french fries, but grab slightly fewer ketchup packets than you’ll actually need and see if you can make that shit stretch. Thug life.

-don’t use a coaster. YOLO!

-flip off that person who cut you off, even if they’re bigger than you. Dickheads.

-buy the shitty, plastic, 99 cent lighters instead of a Bic at the gas station. BECAUSE FUCK CAPITALISM.

-put your mascara on at a red light. Corneas are fucking overrated.

-while showering, decide at the last minute you’re going to wear a dress so now you have to shave your legs. Schedules are for punks.

-paint your nails and don’t use a clear coat. I ain’t afraid of no chips.

-eat a bag of M&Ms in front of your kids and don’t share. Fuck those greedy bastards.

-wear white after Labor Day. I don’t subscribe to societal norms.

-hug your mailman. The fuck’s he gonna do about it?

-put a nickel in a the “take a penny, leave a penny” tray. I’m rich, bitch.

-let your phone die and don’t recharge it for like, an hour. These hos ain’t shit.

Don’t Be A Girlfriend – Be A Bro!

Ladies, if you haven’t heard, men are no longer interested in girly girls with painted toes and pretty dresses. Men want a girl who can drink. Men want a girl who likes camping and fishing and getting dirty. Men want a girl they can show off to their friends and party with.

Men don’t want to date a woman. They want to date a bro.

Here’s how to give them what they want.

1. Burp and fart a lot.

Men love a gassy woman. In fact, if you can find a way to fart on them, that’s even better.


2. Enjoy sports.

It doesn’t matter if you don’t care about them, don’t have a favorite team, or can’t tell the difference between an orange bouncy ball and the oblong brown one. If you want him to put a ring on it, you jump on his team’s bandwagon and you fucking like it.


3. Drink beer, preferably from a tube or funnel.

Real women don’t use glasses and they sure as shit don’t drink wine. They drink the fizzy, delicious man nectar otherwise known as beer, and they drink a lot of it at once. Then they kick ass at beer pong and throw up in a potted plant. Then they start taking shots while listening to Lil Jon.


4. Fuck manners.

Only pussies don’t act super obnoxious in public. Don’t use your napkin! Remember to burp! Impede on the conversations of everyone nearby by loudly discussing tits and how smashed you got last weekend!



5. Stop putting so much effort in to your looks.

A bro can be showered, dressed, and ready to go in under thirty minutes, especially if he has the complete line of Axe products. Shower, shit, and shave, then throw on whatever doesn’t smell like last night’s vomit. Deodorant optional.


6. Rid yourself of all girly paraphernalia.

Fuck your fluffy pillows and your Egyptian cotton sheets; get yourself a futon for fucksakes You don’t need vases of flowers, you need ashtrays and all of the liquor bottles from previous parties on full display. Is that a fucking chaise lounge? What the fuck is a chaise lounge? Get a goddamn tiki bar and take down any pictures of Marilyn Monroe that don’t show titties.


7. Watch better movies.

No one wants to see “White People Fall In Love Then Someone Dies” based on the novel by Nicholas Sparks. Drop all your bitch-made notions about movies and go watch SuperMegaFuckYou Lords of Domination and Dat Ass, Part IV. You’ll thank me later.


(Chuck Norris doesn’t need a fucking meme, bitch.)

Fellas, if you don’t really find any of that to be particularly appealing when it comes to your mate, maybe you should start appreciating the other ways in which your partner can be your best friend.


Musicians I’d Like to Punch in the Throat

1. Iggy Azalea – Because shut up, that’s why.

2. Arianna Grande – Your stupid singing voice has infiltrated all of my mid-day dirty thoughts about you. I liked you better when you didn’t make “music” come out of your facehole.

3. Katy Perry – Any grown woman that intentionally dresses like a Sugar Plum Fairy deserves to get punched in the throat.

4. Pitbull – There is nothing redeeming about you, sir. Nuh-thing.

5. Jon Legend – Your voice is stupid and so are you.

6. Pharrell – You know what would make me happy? If you’d SHUT THE FUCK UP.

7. Kanye West – You’ve married a Kardashian. Please retire, then promptly die.

8. Taylor Swift – You’re not America’s sweetheart. You’re an emotionally stunted, overrated hussy.

9. Lady Gaga – We get it. You’re controversial. You wear meat dresses. You can go away now.

10. Ke$ha – The fact that you replaced the letter S in your name with a dollar sign makes me think you don’t actually know the alphabet. So does the fact that you’re a vapid twat.

11. Justin Bieber – You’re a little fucker, and I look forward to watching your rapidly approaching descent in to irrelevance, most likely amidst a storm of cocaine, cheap whores, and hip hop artists dumb enough to collaborate with you.

12. Eminem – Get back on drugs. Your music didn’t blow ass then.

13. Alice in Chains – If you don’t have Staley, then why the fuck are you even bothering?

14. Nickelback – I am appalled that none of you have been murdered, but John Lennon was.

15. Miley Cyrus – What the fuck are you gonna do when people stop caring about your clothes and that stupid thing you always do with your tongue?

Why Home Depot Is Popular On Memorial Day

Yesterday I made a wrong turn and decided to flip myself around in a parking lot. This parking lot just so happened to belong to Home Depot

This place was fucking poppin’. There were goddamn people everywhere. And I’m going, “sweet Jesus, is it suburbanite Christmas?”

I don’t personally spend any amount of time in or around Home Depot unless it’s to flip a bitch in their parking lot or I’m there with my friend Jessica who is one of those committed do-it-yourselfers that always wants to go get coffee and then look at tile and flooring. (And you go, because you want coffee.) So naturally, I have no idea what the fuck could possibly compel people to go to Home Depot on a holiday.

Which means the obvious thing to do is for me to dream up scenarios that would necessitate going there.

1. Your alcoholic cousin Jim decides the meat would taste better grilled in shots of Johnny Walker. He ends up setting the grill on fire and the only way to save your Memorial Day barbecue is to go buy a brand new grill, stat.

2. Ancient Aunt Betsy decides to leave the house for the first time in a fucking decade, but she wants to bring all 4 of her labradoodles with her. This would be fine, except she insists that little Muffin is deathly allergic to pansies, which is the flower you’ve chosen to border your patio. Aunt Betsy is rich as shit and you definitely want to be in the will so you rip out all your pansies and make a run to Home Depot to buy a more hypo-allergenic plant, thus securing your potential inheritance.

3. Your brother-in-law wants to bring his new girlfriend to the festivities, and you agree without knowing this bitch has like, eight kids. You don’t have enough seating and must dash to the Depot to grab some lawn chairs.

4. You accidentally wind up poisoning all of your guests and need to bury the bodies in the backyard. This requires a wheelbarrow, a shovel, and wine. The first two you can get at Home Depot; the latter you will hopefully have on hand so you don’t have to make two stops.

5. Your next door neighbor is super hot, so you invite her to your barbecue/pool party so you can see her in a bikini. The pool filter stops working just hours before the festivities, so you run to Home Depot to buy an above-ground pool because, seriously, this chick is hot.

6. A swarm of hummingbirds are attacking your guests. You buy 15 hummingbird feeders to placate them.

7. Your husband hates mowing the lawn so much he left you the night before Memorial Day but for some reason he took the lawnmower with him, probably out of spite because he was always a malicious dickhead. You need another lawn mower. And another husband.

8. There’s a  huge thunderstorm and you’re stubborn. Rather than disband or take the party inside, you go to Home Depot and buy all of their patio umbrellas then demand that your guests have fun.

9. You really want your deck rebuilt and your new neighbor is a contractor. You buy a shit ton of lumber and nails and whatever else you need to build a deck in hopes that he’ll see all the shit is already there so, pfft, why not just build it for you!

10. The little asshole kid down the street came in to your yard in the dead of night and stole all your garden lights. It’s an evening party so you have to replace them. Seven-year-olds suck.

The Top Ten Crises That Pregnant Women Face

1. Dropping something.

If you’re alone in the house and an object goes flying out of your hands, there is a 70% chance it’s going to stay right the fuck where it is until someone happens by.

2. Shaving your legs.

Far more horrifying for a woman carrying through the summer months, since you winter bitches can just wear pants and take a weed-whacker to your legs for your monthly OB visit.

3. Extreme thirst during the third trimester.

It’s cool, I already have to pee every ten minutes anyway. I would love to also be parched. You know what? I’ll be on the toilet. Just bring me a pitcher of ice water and some Kleenex and leave me the hell alone.

4. Having to sneeze and pee at the same time.

Yeah. That pee is not staying in there. Just let it happen.

5. Getting up.

Except you don’t really get up anymore, do you? You may roll, heave, scramble, claw, push, wiggle, or squirm. But you do not simply rise to your feet. Not anymore.

6. Sleeping.

You can’t sleep on your back or your stomach, and it’s preferable to sleep on your left side for the benefit of the baby. You probably can’t share a bed with someone because they either radiate so much heat you are convinced they are made of hellfire or they grow fed up with you getting up every hour to piss and cry.

7. Can I do that?

Because everyone becomes a gynecologist when they see a pregnant girl, we face a constant barrage of old wives’ tales interspersed with legitimate medical truths. Can’t eat sushi, can’t swim in lakes, can’t drink water bottled anywhere in the north of France…how about you give me a list of what I can do, asshole.

8. Guard the belly.

Whether it’s a runaway kid, a wayward puppy, or an unforeseen countertop, our tummies are under constant attack by the world around us. We can’t even turn around quickly for fear of knocking over a lamp. Or running our of breath, you know, whatever.

9. Taking off a bra.

This is some excruciating shit right here. I don’t know why we think taking it off slowly will somehow trick our tits in to not being throbbing, aching globes of milk-filled agony, but immediately after removing a bra, we instantly regret the decision and wind up cupping our own lady bits. A wise man knows to look away when this happens. This is not sexy. This is Sparta, motherfucker.

10. Stranger danger.

Please stop touching us. Please. It’s creepy and we don’t like it. Stop. Just stop.