The majority of magazines we see on the shelves seem to be targeted toward women. Single women. Single, independent women. Women that don’t need to take no shit from no man, nosir! And, as you’d expect, the pages are filled with useful “tips” and “checklists” to help them narrow down and filter out the countless douchebags that run in and out of their lives.
Men don’t seem to get the benefit of getting monthly Crazy Bitch Lists, though, which hardly seems fair since the douchebag/crazy bitch ratio is pretty even.
Fellas, I’m here to help. And not with the obvious stuff that you guys already know – saying I love you too soon, going through your phone, etc. No, no.
You deserve better.
1. She looks run through.
Ya’ll know what I mean, right? Banged more times than a screen door? Ridden like the town bike?
Now let’s get one thing straight: I firmly believe that a woman should be able to have as many (or as few) sexual partners as she wants without being criticized or labeled a whore. You are not a whore if you practice safe sex. You just like sex. And that’s cool.
But there are women who don’t have that kind of respect for themselves, and as a result, they look…well…run through. Maybe she hasn’t even had sex with that many guys, she’s just sucked a lot of dick. In any event, she wasn’t having sex with these men because she wanted to have sex and she’s comfortable in her body. She did it for attention and affection, no matter how briefly it was given. And you can tell, because it leaves a visible residue of run through-edness.
If you can’t tell if a girl looks run through, ask a lady friend. They’ll know. We always know.
Girls make bad decisions. Crazy girls keep making them. Don’t be another bad decision.
2. She’s rude to waiters.
I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal, but it is. For one, you have got to be crazy as batshit if you mouth off to people who touch your food.
It also shows a blatant disrespect for people she considers to be “beneath” her, which means she holds herself in pretty high esteem – and even if she’s brilliant and beautiful and successful, that’s no excuse to be an asshole to a stranger. If she’s going to be that shitty to someone whose last name she doesn’t know because they forgot to leave off the onions, what’s she going to do YOU if you forget to take out the trash?
3. She hates kids.
If you also hate kids, you can disregard this one. You’re both clearly insane.
And to clarify, I don’t mean she doesn’t want kids. I don’t mean kids make her uncomfortable. Some people just aren’t kid people. But in my experience, people who actually harbor a hatred for kids are fucking looney tunes. They’re children. They are loud and stinky, yes, but mostly they’re innocent and harmless. And they give you an excuse to play with Legos again. Who hates that? It’s weird.
4. Facebook is way more important than it should be.
If she keeps pestering you to make things Facebook official; if your notifications are full of shit she’s tagged you in, if she must commemorate a trip to Starbucks with a couples’ selfie, that bitch is nutty like a Payday bar.
I understand that social media plays a huge role in peoples’ lives now, but your news feed should never look like this:
(9:46AM) Jessica M. Just woke up and already thinking about my man @JohnWilliams! #hesthebest #luckyme
(10:29AM) Jessica M. Getting ready to go to a movie with the boyfriend @JohnWilliams! #sospoiled
(11:17AM) Jessica M. On my way to the theater! #excited #cantwait
(11:34AM) Jessica M. Standing outside of the theater! Aren’t we a cute couple! <insert stupid fucking selfie here>
(12:22PM) Jessica M. Left theater to pee, just want to remind you bitches @JohnWilliams is MINE #dontbejealous
(2:08PM) Jessica M -> John Williams’ Wall:
I ONLY NEED YOU, BABY!!! XOXOXOXOSMUSHYKISSKISS<3<3<3
What. The. Fuck.
5. She drinks…a LOT.
If all of your dates must include a party, a bar, a club, or the opportunity for her to get smashed out of her mind, then guess what? She’s not fun. She’s not a party girl. She’s a wackadoo with a drinking problem.
Shit, she might not even really have a drinking problem, but it’s always a red flag if she’s gotta get tipsy whenever you guys hang out. She’s either insecure with her own personality and drowns that insecurity in gin, or she really does have a fucked-off, boring personality and alcohol is the only thing that makes her interesting. To quote the Governator, “Get out; get out now!”
Gentlemen, I wish you the best in finding the lady of your dreams. But if she’s a nightmare, don’t say you haven’t been warned.