How To Have Amazing Sex

If you’ve stood in line at the grocery store like, ever, you’ve undoubtedly seen shelves of women’s magazines, all offering a bright pink block letter promise of spicing up your sex life. Pleasing your lover. Getting the spark back. And so on.

Turn the pages and you’ll find a pretty unimaginative article that suggests trying sexy talk, using feathers or food, watching porn together, and a laundry list of other shit that you probably could have figured out yourself (or may have already tried).

Because apparently, the cure to a ho-hum sex life is as simple as throwing a little kink in the mix. First of all, cuffing your man to the bed and giving him a strip show isn’t kinky. It’s fun. It’s not kinky. Put down “50 Shades of Grey” and learn the difference, you vanilla bitches. Kink is not for the weak.

But I digress; I’m not here to talk about kink, I’m here to talk about how to have sex that is mutually satisfying and makes both parties unwilling to move for the next several hours. The secret is not in the bottom of a can of whipped cream or in the tattered shreds of lingerie torn off in the heat of passion. Those are temporary fixes; sure, they’ll get things going for a little while, but what happens when that stuff loses its luster?

You’re gonna go out, buy another magazine, watch another special episode of Dr. Fucking Oz, and hope someone will give you another band-aid for your broken sex life.

Fucking stop it. Save your money and your time. I’ll tell you how to have mind-blowing sex all the time.

Are you ready? Here it comes. Wait for it…

FUCKING COMMUNICATE, YOU IDIOTS.

Instead of assuming what your partner is going to go wild for in bed, instead of taking a shot in the dark (heh heh), instead of thumbtacking “101 Ways to Make Them Scream” above your goddamn headboard, just fucking ask!

It is not embarrassing. It is not awkward. It is not fucked up. This is, if not a person you love, then someone you give a shit about right? If someone is going to laugh at you or make you feel less than when you open up about any of your needs, sexual or otherwise, you have way bigger problems than a dull sex life.

A good partner is willing to listen and is open to criticism. They won’t dismiss your fantasies as gross or stupid or weird. They won’t be offended if you ask them to try something a different way. You know why?

Because they are probably as sexually weird as you are. 

Your foot fetish is not creepy. Your curiosity in BDSM is not twisted. You’re not really a slut if you want your boyfriend to call you one in bed, and you’re not gay if you want your girlfriend to try plugging you.

I’m not saying your partner is going to be 100% open to everything that you suggest. Everyone’s got a line. But most people with really extreme fetishes (like watersports, for example) are aware that their fetish isn’t for everyone and will be open about what they want fairly early on instead of springing it on someone three years down the line. Just like with everything else in your relationship, compromises can be made, deals can be struck, arrangements can be set in place.

BUT NOT IF YOU DON’T FUCKING ASK!

So please, put down the magazines, turn off your TV and stop listening to your friends. Listen to me, a perfect stranger on the internet. If you want to have good sex, you have to have a dialogue about what good sex is to youGirls, don’t be shy – your boyfriend really enjoys fucking you, and will probably welcome any suggestions that could make the experience more pleasurable for both of you. Boys, your girlfriend is probably more willing to get adventurous than you’re willing to give her credit for.

And keep in mind, talking sex isn’t restricted to exploring one another’s fantasies. Maybe you just wish she’d blow you more. Maybe you want to squeeze his ears between your knees once a day. Maybe you want to be on top more. Maybe all it would take would be you piping up and saying, “a little to the left, please”. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Don’t be scared of sex, people.

Make it your filthy, naughty little bitch.

The Ten Things Men and Women Need to Stop Doing In Relationships

If there’s one thing I learned at the end of a 6 1/2 year relationship it’s that you have to pick your battles. 

I get that you might feel right. You might feel justified. You might be applying so deep meaning to what appears, on its a face, a very trivial issue. You might be compelled to explain your feelings to your partner for the next three hours. Really hash things out.

What the fuck for? You could just drop it and make the sex. Aww yiss.

Less bitching. More talking. Here’s how.

 

LADIES

toilet

1. Stop giving a shit about the toilet seat.

Who. Gives. A fuck? Is this really something you need to spend time discussing? No, it’s not the principle of the thing. No, it’s not a matter of respect. No, it’s not his responsibility. Look before you sit down. Just like they look before they pee. Why is this such an issue?

 

angry

2. Stop saying you’re fine when you’re not.

You aren’t fooling anyone, you know that right? He knows you’re not fine. Stop saying you’re fine. Grow up and tell him what’s wrong and quit making him walk on eggshells. In the grown up world, we call that communication.

 

angrytext

3. Stop picking fights during Guys’ Night.

You said he could go out. You encouraged it. You were all cool about it, like, “aww, baby, sure, you deserve some time off!” And now you wanna blow up his phone all, “I NEED SOMEONE TO HELP ME WITH THESE KIDS” and “WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU PUT ALL THE COFFEE FILTERS?!” and “YOU SELFISH BASTARD, YOU NEVER THINK OF ANYONE BUT YOURSELF!” lolwut? You don’t just sound crazy – you are being crazy. Knock it off.

 

couple-arguing_1208831c

4. Stop assuming he’s insulting you.

Sometimes guys don’t talk the words real good. But if this man really thought you were a fat, hideous she-beast, why would he be sticking it to you in the first place? If a joke crosses the line, tell him so – but not like a rage-fueled cunt. If it’s just poor phrasing, fucking let it go.

425.enchanted.112007

5. Stop expecting to be treated like royalty.

This just in: you are the princess of fuck all. Yeah, I know, every woman wants a boyfriend who will shower her with love and affection and shiny things and will bring her breakfast in bed and whatever else you think signifies true devotion.Tough shit – you’re not a fucking princess anymore than he’s a prince. You both fart, and are assholes, and forget to put your dishes in the sink, and swear too much, and your feet smell when they get hot and sweaty. In short – you are human. And while you have every right to demand that you are treated as such, stop expecting to have your ass kissed just because you have a vag.

 

GENTLEMEN

napkin

1. Stop fucking up our shit.

It really doesn’t make a bit of difference to us if you don’t understand why there are guest towels and house towels, or why there is fancy soap you’re not allowed to use, or why you can’t use the good dishes to microwave nachos. You don’t need to understand. Just respect our request to leave that shit alone and we’ll stop setting your ties on fire.

 

mowing

2. Stop telling us that there’s a “better” ways to do things.

It might be your way, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s better. If we’re getting the task done just as efficiently and thoroughly as you do, then what the hell do you care? Besides, if you keep pushing it, we’ll just make you do whatever it is.

 

watch

3. Stop bitching about prep time.

Oh, I’m sorry, does it bother you that I’d like to step out of the house in something other than gym shorts and bedhead? I know that totally works for you, but I personally would rather not go to lunch looking like a hobo’s asshole. And by the way, that old line, “you look beautiful no matter what” is fucking annoying. Stop saying it, because we all know it’s just a weak attempt to get us out of the house faster.

 

CT  SC-FAM-GAMER-WIDOW-3C 1108 EG

4. Stop treating us like bros.

No, we don’t want to be farted on. No, we don’t want to take shots for every kill we get in Halo 4. No, we don’t want to watch a marathon of American Ninja Warrior. Maybe sometimes that stuff is okay and we’ll indulge you, but that first indulgence does not mean we want to put on our favorite Affliction shirt and go pick up on bitches. We are ladies. Please treat us as such.

 

clueless

5. Stop playing dumb.

You are not Peter Griffin. We know you’re not an idiot. If you can’t remember shit, put reminders in your phone. Make yourself a list. Get a fucking whiteboard. If you didn’t take out the trash, admit that it’s because you were playing Battlefield all day – don’t tell us it’s because you were trying to fix the dishwasher or you were on the phone with important clients all day. We know it’s bullshit. We can see it on your fucking face.

 

 

Five Reasons to Be Friends With Your Ex

It’s always baffled me, how two people can date, fall in love, mean the world to each other, then break up and feel nothing but contempt toward a person they shared their life with in such an intimate way.

There are always exceptions: Any kind of abuse. Some incredibly scandalous event, like trying to have you killed for insurance money or banging your sister. I get that. But if two people split because it just isn’t working out, because they fight too much and love too little, then what’s the big deal?

Why can’t we continue being friends with our exes? Weren’t they, at one point, our very best friends? Didn’t we share our victories, our defeats, our fears, our happiness, our secrets, and our stories? Do we just not think that any type of friendship would be beneficial to either party?

I’m friends with most of my exes; I’d consider two of them (one being the father of my children) to be my closest friends. I’m not going to lie and tell you getting there wasn’t awkward or bumpy, but I can tell you that maintaining a relationship with these two awesome people was totally worth it. And, in the case of my kids’ daddy, the best possible decision we could have made.

***NOTE: None of this will apply if there are still residual feelings left over. Time and space, my friends. Go slow, start small. Always remember, it ended for a reason, and that reason was probably a pretty damn good one.

1. They can call us out on our bullshit.

They know exactly when we’re talking out of our asses, being unrealistic, being too judgmental, and, in general, being a total shithead. And now that they’re officially in the friend zone, they have nothing to lose (read: sexy nekkid time) by telling us to chill the fuck out. So while a lot of our friends will just feed in to our nonsense because they think it’s what friends should do, an ex will help us put whatever brand of crazy we’re wearing in to perspective.

2. They know what we need when we’re drunk.

Whether it’s to be left alone or coddled, cut off from shots or fed a cheeseburger, an ex has been there. Maybe a lot, if you really like to hit the sauce. It’s always nice to have a reliable babysitter to make sure your skirt doesn’t fly over your head and vomit stays in designated areas.

3. Fellas, a wingwoman is superior to a wingman.

Women are usually more comfortable talking to other women in bars, and if your ex hits it off with a girl you wouldn’t mind seeing on her back, she can always put in a good reference. But keep in mind – you’ll owe her one.

4. They’ll be the best for critics for the new people we date.

A man can smell a player and a woman can smell a whore. Just like the rest of our friends, an ex will be protective of us – but they also know exactly what kind of good shit we can bring to the table in a relationship and will be a bit more critical of who deserves us. At some point, the bond you have with your ex will evolve in to a sort of sibling relationship – the motivation isn’t jealousy, but a true concern for our happiness and well-being.

5. An ex will keep your secrets – because you know a bunch of theirs.

Provided you had a normal relationship that didn’t involve broadcasting your problems to all your friends or humilating each other on social media, most couples have a LOT of shit on each other by the time the relationship ends. And if you have any respect for them (and you aren’t a fucking 12 year old), you’ve kept that shit to yourself. There is no better confidante than an ex.

How to Be Happy and In Love…AT THE SAME TIME!

1. Kiss passionately at least once a day. Not a peck on the cheek or a quick smooch – I mean kiss like you’re teenagers for a good 5-10 seconds every day. If you can’t find the time in your day to do this, your priorities are fucked up.

2. Have sex as often as humanly possible. For some people, that’s once a week, for others it’s five days a week. If it’s quick and nothing to brag about, who cares? It’s sex, it’s a great stress reliever, and it’s important to make time for it. What good is having a “date night” if the two of you aren’t fucking each other? Next time you get a sitter, skip spending money on dinner and a movie, get a hotel, and make dirty monkey love.

3. Play games. Cards, a board game, video games, Hangman, I don’t give a shit. Games are fun, and a perfect excuse for wagering favors (i.e. if I win you cook me dinner; if you win, I’ll go to that movie you want to see that I think looks stupid).

4. Stop thinking you have nothing to talk about. That shit confuses the hell out of me. Maybe you’ve told each other all of your stories and secrets, but you live in the age of information. Talk about current events, read the paper together, discuss advancements in technology. Each of you could pick a subject you’d like to learn more about, learn about it, and then share your knowledge with your partner. “We ran out of things to talk about” is just code for “We are both boring people and didn’t feel like putting in the effort.”

5. Eat together. There is no reason you can’t sit down and share a meal with each other other than when you’re at a restaurant. This is particularly important if you both work all day and are only able to have dinner with each other. Turn the fucking TV off, put down your goddamn iPhone, look each other in the eyes, and talk.

6. Pick your battles. Show me a couple that says they never argue and I’ll show you a couple that needs to work on their communication; show me a couple that says they argue all the time, and I’ll show you a couple that wastes too much time bickering about inconsequential things. There’s no need for the question, “What do you want to do for dinner?” to develop in to a three hour bitch fest that ends with the two of you bringing up shit that happened three years ago. Let’s say you want Chinese. Your partner wants Mexican. Do you hate Mexican food? Do they hate Chinese? No? Then flip a fucking coin and let fate make the decision for you. All that should matter is that you’re spending time with the person you love – and chances are, you’re going to remember the conversation you had and the laughs you shared, not the food you ate.

7. Mix it up. Kyle and I got stuck in a bit of a rut as far as our kid-free time was concerned, and it was much too early in our relationship to find ourselves going through the motions. Dinner at the same restaurant, followed by a movie, then home. Now, we still go to movies and out to dinner, but that’s become our fallback date. Try going to a museum, the theater, a comedy club. Pack a picnic lunch and take a scenic drive in the country or hold hands and enjoy a stroll through an older neighborhood with big, beautiful Victorian houses. Babysitter cancelled, or you can’t find one? So what? Put the kids to bed and play their board games – Candyland, Sorry, Battleship. Pop open a bottle of wine, put on a cheesy Chuck Norris movie, and have your own version of Mystery Science Theater. Ask him to show you how to play one of his favorite video games; offer to show him the best way to cook a steak. And if you do find yourselves doing the old standby of dinner and a movie, don’t sit where a TV is visible, put your phones in the middle of the table, and make out like horny teenagers during the movie’s boring parts or opening credits.

8. Coupon books – the cheapest way to say I love you. Remember making these things for your mom? Hell, maybe you even made or received one in the early days of your relationship. Well…BRING IT BACK! And when you make one, try to pinpoint the things that you know they’ll appreciate the most. Personally, I loathe touching dirty dishes; it doesn’t matter if they’ve been in the sink a minute or an hour, I am seriously repulsed by food that is wet and partially eaten. As a writer, I require silence and no interruptions to remain in my “zone”, and with 4-year-0ld twins, such things are rare in my life. I love when my car is spotless and tidy inside and out and getting to spend one-on-one quality time with my mom. Kyle knows all of these things about me, and thus would present me with a coupon book that would include vouchers for not having to do dishes, two hours at a coffee shop alone to write, a free car cleaning, and an afternoon with my mom. His would mostly include blow jobs and back massages. Boys are so easy.

9. Cuddle. I sleep on my stomach, facing to the right. Kyle sleeps in whatever position he happens to land in. Nonetheless, when we go to bed at the same time we spend a few minutes in each others’ arms before rolling in to our respective positions and going to sleep. Okay, well, actually, due to the fact that he works 8-12 hours a day moving furniture, he conks out pretty quickly. And since he wraps one arm and one leg around me, I typically must wriggle out from under him – no easy feat, given his abundance of height and muscle and my utter lack of both. Anyway, the point is – cuddle! Snuggle! Ladies, when you’re watching TV together, lay your head on his lap. Gentlemen, stroke her hair. Put your arm around her shoulders, hold his hand in public. You’re together. Be together.

10. Write each other notes. No one’s saying you need to write a sonnet or a five page love letter. A simple Post-It on the bathroom mirror with those three little words, a text that says you’ll miss them while they’re at work, or a folded up piece of paper tucked away in their work pants detailing the naughty things you want to do to them when they get home. Kyle is a fan of opening up Notepad, writing a paragraph full of sweetness, and leaving it up on the desktop for me to find when I hop on the laptop. It’s quick, it’s simple, and it’ll make them smile – what’s stopping you?

11. Keep the memories. Kyle and I met online almost six years ago. We exchanged several emails before meeting…and Kyle has saved every one of them. Until I lost the wallet it was kept in, I held on to the ticket stub from the first movie we saw together. He is reluctant to throw away anything I’ve ever given him, regardless of whether or not it’s broken. A few months ago, during a stressful time in our relationship, I went up to grab an order of Chinese food that we were going to split. Two people. One order. One fortune cookie. The fortune inside read, “Stop searching. Happiness is sitting right beside you.” That little slip of paper is still tucked away in my jewelry box. Save the little mementos, no matter how insignificant they may seem. Take tons of pictures and don’t just store them online or on your phone – keep hard copies too. Put all those things in a box, tuck it in the closet, and when times get tough, take it out and go through it together. Take it out and remember.

12. Be silly. If you can’t be yourself with someone, then you shouldn’t be with them at all. And sometimes, it’s hard to resist the urge to make fart noises or weird faces, to dance in the car to your favorite song, or to start a tickle fight. Kyle and I are constantly playing pranks on each other and have several ongoing wars: we’ll throw glasses of water on each other unexpectedly or shout, “NINJA KICK!” before kicking open the bathroom door while the other is in there. I’ll flush the toilet while he’s in the shower, he’ll hold my keys above his head and make me jump up to grab them. Have fun! Kid around! Act goofy! For Chrissakes…BE FRIENDS. It makes being lovers so much easier.

13. Remember that you’re in love. Kyle’s parents have been married for 36 years. The two of them are truly the strongest, happiest couple I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing, and after four kids, financial struggles, family issues, and all the other standard problems a married couple will face, they are still madly, deeply in love. It was Kyle’s father who gave me the best relationship advice I’ve ever received, and if you have kids with your significant other I suggest you pay close attention: while you’re busy being mommy and daddy, it’s important not to forget that you’re also husband and wife.

Whose Wedding Is It Anyway?

Brides and grooms-to-be, listen up, because I’m about to tell you something you THINK you already know.

This is YOUR wedding.

YOUR wedding.

YOURS.

It is your dress, your suit, your venue, your band, your food, your color scheme, your friends, and your family. YOURS.

If you want an off-the-shoulder dress to hide your chunky upper arms, but your friends tell you strapless is more fashionable, politely tell them you’ll be buying the dress YOU want. If one of your bridesmaids complains she doesn’t look good in turquoise, firmly instruct her to suck it up, buttercup. If your mom is Catholic and wants you to have your wedding in a church, but you’re Pagan and want an outdoor ceremony, let her know you’re sure god will give you a pass on this one.

Stop inviting people you don’t even care about just to avoid hurt feelings. Use this handy little questionairre to determine whether or not someone deserves to be part of your special day:

1. Do they know your child’s middle name? Or, if you don’t have kids, do they know your middle name?

2. Do they know your birthday?

3. Have they ever seen you cry?

4. Would you expect to be invited to their wedding?

If you answered no to three out of four of these questions, save a tree and skip the invite.

It doesn’t matter what anyone else has to say about your wedding plans. You are choosing these things as partners because these things are what will make your wedding beautiful and memorable to YOU. If it’s weird or tacky or silly, who gives a damn? When you celebrate your 20 year anniversary, you’re going to remember your wedding day with vivid clarity. Your guests probably won’t even remember what food you served, so why get so caught up making sure everyone else gets what THEY want?

This is YOUR wedding. Imagine how beautiful it could be if you stopped caring about whether or not everyone else thinks it’s beautiful, too.

Dear Military Wives

First and foremost, ladies, let me just express the respect I have for your ability to be brave, strong, loyal, and devoted while your husband is either deployed, or otherwise unable to come home to you. That takes a special kind of person. Obviously, if you are out fucking his friends or random dudes you meet on Facebook, that statement does not apply to you, because you are, well, a whore.

That being said, let’s be clear: you are not in the military. You are not serving your country. You are not fulfilling your duties as an American soldier simply because an American soldier put a ring on your finger. YOU. ARE. A. WIFE.

Perhaps the argument can be made that the sacrifices you make are greater than those of the average wife, particularly in the case where your partner is deployed, because you undoubtedly live in constant fear of the Knock on the Door. But the same argument can be made for the wives of police officers, firefighters, and those who work on an oil tanker. Yet I have met the wives of such people, and they do not seem to have the same sense of entitlement or the air of importance that many of you have.

And if you have kids? Yes, it must be very difficult for you to raise your children almost entirely by yourself. But you are no different from the single parents that do the same thing – except that you have a military paycheck and benefits to assist you in your task.

The fact that my partner comes home to me each night does not make my duties, responsibilities, love, or commitment lesser than yours by comparison. You do not have to be married to a military man to be a superwife. In fact, I’d venture to say that many of you marry these men just for the thrill and the romanticism of it, only to divorce a handful of years later when you realize you don’t have what it takes to see a marriage through – especially one where your life and the life of your family is pretty much dictated by what the military decides.

Your husband is the hero. You are his wife. You are not entitled to the same honor and respect, and you are not entitled to any special treatment. Stop placing yourself and your marriage on a pedestal. Stop acting like those of us who married mechanics or insurance salesmen are oblivious to the special circumstances surrounding your marriage. There are special circumstances in every marriage – and they don’t always come in uniform.