How We’ll Spend Our Summer Vacation

It’s that time again! The kids are out of school! Time to entertain them every second of the next 90 goddamn days.

Here’s a list of fun summer activities you can engage in. No. Really. They’re fun. I swear.

Bring liquor.


Water Parks

Because I know nothing gets me out of bed quicker than the knowledge that I will spend the next eight hours in wet clothes traipsing around a concrete jungle of slides in the blistering heat making sure my kids don’t drown in the pee-tainted waters. Oh you’re hungry? Why yes, I’d love to buy you a $14 grilled cheese sandwich. Thirsty? Let me just take out a second mortgage on the house so I can buy you bottled water. A souvenir? Yes, because nothing says “I had a great time!” like a $50 stuffed dolphin the size of my fist.


barbecue“Talking to you makes me want to kill myself!”


You mean you want me to invite over a shit ton of people so they can eat my food, play in my yard, shit in my toilet, drink all my beer, awkwardly mingle with me, instruct me on the proper way to cook a burger, and in return I shall receive boatloads of store bought potato salad and extremely unappetizing dips? And I get to clean up by myself? Where the fuck do I sign up?


Nothing says summertime like sitting in itchy grass surrounded by bugs and drunks, waiting an hour and a half for 15 minutes of colorful explosions which my children will lose interest in after about ten minutes and then ask if they can play Fruit Ninja on my phone.

bro“Bro, do you even bro, bro?”

The Beach

Sometimes you wake up on a Saturday and think to yourself, “I really feel like it’s a good day to pack up half the linen closet and 2/3 of the refrigerator, load that shit in the trunk, get the kids in swimsuits, drive to a public swimming locale, pay $10 for parking, haul all that down to the shore, slather the kids in lotion, and send them on their way so you can witness the parade of thong sporting club girls navigating the sand in strappy gold heels and frat boys in plaid shorts and flip flops chugging beer and tossing their cans on the ground like assholes.

Amusement Parks

For those times that going to a water park, where you can at least cool off in a mixture of urine and chlorine, just doesn’t adequately fulfill our desire to be fucking miserable. For those times, locate your nearest overpriced, overrated, overcrowded land-o-fun, fork over half your salary for the month, and let the misery begin.

roadtrip“I’m going to smother each and every one of you.”

Road Trips

Is there some place you’ve always wanted to visit but you feel that getting there quickly and comfortably is for sissy bitches? Why not cram the fam in to the car, fill every available space with luggage and snacks, and spend the next week slowly learning to hate all of the people you live with?



Why Home Depot Is Popular On Memorial Day

Yesterday I made a wrong turn and decided to flip myself around in a parking lot. This parking lot just so happened to belong to Home Depot

This place was fucking poppin’. There were goddamn people everywhere. And I’m going, “sweet Jesus, is it suburbanite Christmas?”

I don’t personally spend any amount of time in or around Home Depot unless it’s to flip a bitch in their parking lot or I’m there with my friend Jessica who is one of those committed do-it-yourselfers that always wants to go get coffee and then look at tile and flooring. (And you go, because you want coffee.) So naturally, I have no idea what the fuck could possibly compel people to go to Home Depot on a holiday.

Which means the obvious thing to do is for me to dream up scenarios that would necessitate going there.

1. Your alcoholic cousin Jim decides the meat would taste better grilled in shots of Johnny Walker. He ends up setting the grill on fire and the only way to save your Memorial Day barbecue is to go buy a brand new grill, stat.

2. Ancient Aunt Betsy decides to leave the house for the first time in a fucking decade, but she wants to bring all 4 of her labradoodles with her. This would be fine, except she insists that little Muffin is deathly allergic to pansies, which is the flower you’ve chosen to border your patio. Aunt Betsy is rich as shit and you definitely want to be in the will so you rip out all your pansies and make a run to Home Depot to buy a more hypo-allergenic plant, thus securing your potential inheritance.

3. Your brother-in-law wants to bring his new girlfriend to the festivities, and you agree without knowing this bitch has like, eight kids. You don’t have enough seating and must dash to the Depot to grab some lawn chairs.

4. You accidentally wind up poisoning all of your guests and need to bury the bodies in the backyard. This requires a wheelbarrow, a shovel, and wine. The first two you can get at Home Depot; the latter you will hopefully have on hand so you don’t have to make two stops.

5. Your next door neighbor is super hot, so you invite her to your barbecue/pool party so you can see her in a bikini. The pool filter stops working just hours before the festivities, so you run to Home Depot to buy an above-ground pool because, seriously, this chick is hot.

6. A swarm of hummingbirds are attacking your guests. You buy 15 hummingbird feeders to placate them.

7. Your husband hates mowing the lawn so much he left you the night before Memorial Day but for some reason he took the lawnmower with him, probably out of spite because he was always a malicious dickhead. You need another lawn mower. And another husband.

8. There’s a  huge thunderstorm and you’re stubborn. Rather than disband or take the party inside, you go to Home Depot and buy all of their patio umbrellas then demand that your guests have fun.

9. You really want your deck rebuilt and your new neighbor is a contractor. You buy a shit ton of lumber and nails and whatever else you need to build a deck in hopes that he’ll see all the shit is already there so, pfft, why not just build it for you!

10. The little asshole kid down the street came in to your yard in the dead of night and stole all your garden lights. It’s an evening party so you have to replace them. Seven-year-olds suck.