Don’t Be A Girlfriend – Be A Bro!

Ladies, if you haven’t heard, men are no longer interested in girly girls with painted toes and pretty dresses. Men want a girl who can drink. Men want a girl who likes camping and fishing and getting dirty. Men want a girl they can show off to their friends and party with.

Men don’t want to date a woman. They want to date a bro.

Here’s how to give them what they want.

1. Burp and fart a lot.

Men love a gassy woman. In fact, if you can find a way to fart on them, that’s even better.

2. Enjoy sports.

It doesn’t matter if you don’t care about them, don’t have a favorite team, or can’t tell the difference between an orange bouncy ball and the oblong brown one. If you want him to put a ring on it, you jump on his team’s bandwagon and you fucking like it.

3. Drink beer, preferably from a tube or funnel.

Real women don’t use glasses and they sure as shit don’t drink wine. They drink the fizzy, delicious man nectar otherwise known as beer, and they drink a lot of it at once. Then they kick ass at beer pong and throw up in a potted plant. Then they start taking shots while listening to Lil Jon.

4. Fuck manners.

Only pussies don’t act super obnoxious in public. Don’t use your napkin! Remember to burp! Impede on the conversations of everyone nearby by loudly discussing tits and how smashed you got last weekend!

 

5. Stop putting so much effort in to your looks.

A bro can be showered, dressed, and ready to go in under thirty minutes, especially if he has the complete line of Axe products. Shower, shit, and shave, then throw on whatever doesn’t smell like last night’s vomit. Deodorant optional.

6. Rid yourself of all girly paraphernalia.

Fuck your fluffy pillows and your Egyptian cotton sheets; get yourself a futon for fucksakes You don’t need vases of flowers, you need ashtrays and all of the liquor bottles from previous parties on full display. Is that a fucking chaise lounge? What the fuck is a chaise lounge? Get a goddamn tiki bar and take down any pictures of Marilyn Monroe that don’t show titties.

7. Watch better movies.

No one wants to see “White People Fall In Love Then Someone Dies” based on the novel by Nicholas Sparks. Drop all your bitch-made notions about movies and go watch SuperMegaFuckYou Lords of Domination and Dat Ass, Part IV. You’ll thank me later.

(Chuck Norris doesn’t need a fucking meme, bitch.)

Fellas, if you don’t really find any of that to be particularly appealing when it comes to your mate, maybe you should start appreciating the other ways in which your partner can be your best friend.

 

How to Be Happy and In Love…AT THE SAME TIME!

1. Kiss passionately at least once a day. Not a peck on the cheek or a quick smooch – I mean kiss like you’re teenagers for a good 5-10 seconds every day. If you can’t find the time in your day to do this, your priorities are fucked up.

2. Have sex as often as humanly possible. For some people, that’s once a week, for others it’s five days a week. If it’s quick and nothing to brag about, who cares? It’s sex, it’s a great stress reliever, and it’s important to make time for it. What good is having a “date night” if the two of you aren’t fucking each other? Next time you get a sitter, skip spending money on dinner and a movie, get a hotel, and make dirty monkey love.

3. Play games. Cards, a board game, video games, Hangman, I don’t give a shit. Games are fun, and a perfect excuse for wagering favors (i.e. if I win you cook me dinner; if you win, I’ll go to that movie you want to see that I think looks stupid).

4. Stop thinking you have nothing to talk about. That shit confuses the hell out of me. Maybe you’ve told each other all of your stories and secrets, but you live in the age of information. Talk about current events, read the paper together, discuss advancements in technology. Each of you could pick a subject you’d like to learn more about, learn about it, and then share your knowledge with your partner. “We ran out of things to talk about” is just code for “We are both boring people and didn’t feel like putting in the effort.”

5. Eat together. There is no reason you can’t sit down and share a meal with each other other than when you’re at a restaurant. This is particularly important if you both work all day and are only able to have dinner with each other. Turn the fucking TV off, put down your goddamn iPhone, look each other in the eyes, and talk.

6. Pick your battles. Show me a couple that says they never argue and I’ll show you a couple that needs to work on their communication; show me a couple that says they argue all the time, and I’ll show you a couple that wastes too much time bickering about inconsequential things. There’s no need for the question, “What do you want to do for dinner?” to develop in to a three hour bitch fest that ends with the two of you bringing up shit that happened three years ago. Let’s say you want Chinese. Your partner wants Mexican. Do you hate Mexican food? Do they hate Chinese? No? Then flip a fucking coin and let fate make the decision for you. All that should matter is that you’re spending time with the person you love – and chances are, you’re going to remember the conversation you had and the laughs you shared, not the food you ate.

7. Mix it up. Kyle and I got stuck in a bit of a rut as far as our kid-free time was concerned, and it was much too early in our relationship to find ourselves going through the motions. Dinner at the same restaurant, followed by a movie, then home. Now, we still go to movies and out to dinner, but that’s become our fallback date. Try going to a museum, the theater, a comedy club. Pack a picnic lunch and take a scenic drive in the country or hold hands and enjoy a stroll through an older neighborhood with big, beautiful Victorian houses. Babysitter cancelled, or you can’t find one? So what? Put the kids to bed and play their board games – Candyland, Sorry, Battleship. Pop open a bottle of wine, put on a cheesy Chuck Norris movie, and have your own version of Mystery Science Theater. Ask him to show you how to play one of his favorite video games; offer to show him the best way to cook a steak. And if you do find yourselves doing the old standby of dinner and a movie, don’t sit where a TV is visible, put your phones in the middle of the table, and make out like horny teenagers during the movie’s boring parts or opening credits.

8. Coupon books – the cheapest way to say I love you. Remember making these things for your mom? Hell, maybe you even made or received one in the early days of your relationship. Well…BRING IT BACK! And when you make one, try to pinpoint the things that you know they’ll appreciate the most. Personally, I loathe touching dirty dishes; it doesn’t matter if they’ve been in the sink a minute or an hour, I am seriously repulsed by food that is wet and partially eaten. As a writer, I require silence and no interruptions to remain in my “zone”, and with 4-year-0ld twins, such things are rare in my life. I love when my car is spotless and tidy inside and out and getting to spend one-on-one quality time with my mom. Kyle knows all of these things about me, and thus would present me with a coupon book that would include vouchers for not having to do dishes, two hours at a coffee shop alone to write, a free car cleaning, and an afternoon with my mom. His would mostly include blow jobs and back massages. Boys are so easy.

9. Cuddle. I sleep on my stomach, facing to the right. Kyle sleeps in whatever position he happens to land in. Nonetheless, when we go to bed at the same time we spend a few minutes in each others’ arms before rolling in to our respective positions and going to sleep. Okay, well, actually, due to the fact that he works 8-12 hours a day moving furniture, he conks out pretty quickly. And since he wraps one arm and one leg around me, I typically must wriggle out from under him – no easy feat, given his abundance of height and muscle and my utter lack of both. Anyway, the point is – cuddle! Snuggle! Ladies, when you’re watching TV together, lay your head on his lap. Gentlemen, stroke her hair. Put your arm around her shoulders, hold his hand in public. You’re together. Be together.

10. Write each other notes. No one’s saying you need to write a sonnet or a five page love letter. A simple Post-It on the bathroom mirror with those three little words, a text that says you’ll miss them while they’re at work, or a folded up piece of paper tucked away in their work pants detailing the naughty things you want to do to them when they get home. Kyle is a fan of opening up Notepad, writing a paragraph full of sweetness, and leaving it up on the desktop for me to find when I hop on the laptop. It’s quick, it’s simple, and it’ll make them smile – what’s stopping you?

11. Keep the memories. Kyle and I met online almost six years ago. We exchanged several emails before meeting…and Kyle has saved every one of them. Until I lost the wallet it was kept in, I held on to the ticket stub from the first movie we saw together. He is reluctant to throw away anything I’ve ever given him, regardless of whether or not it’s broken. A few months ago, during a stressful time in our relationship, I went up to grab an order of Chinese food that we were going to split. Two people. One order. One fortune cookie. The fortune inside read, “Stop searching. Happiness is sitting right beside you.” That little slip of paper is still tucked away in my jewelry box. Save the little mementos, no matter how insignificant they may seem. Take tons of pictures and don’t just store them online or on your phone – keep hard copies too. Put all those things in a box, tuck it in the closet, and when times get tough, take it out and go through it together. Take it out and remember.

12. Be silly. If you can’t be yourself with someone, then you shouldn’t be with them at all. And sometimes, it’s hard to resist the urge to make fart noises or weird faces, to dance in the car to your favorite song, or to start a tickle fight. Kyle and I are constantly playing pranks on each other and have several ongoing wars: we’ll throw glasses of water on each other unexpectedly or shout, “NINJA KICK!” before kicking open the bathroom door while the other is in there. I’ll flush the toilet while he’s in the shower, he’ll hold my keys above his head and make me jump up to grab them. Have fun! Kid around! Act goofy! For Chrissakes…BE FRIENDS. It makes being lovers so much easier.

13. Remember that you’re in love. Kyle’s parents have been married for 36 years. The two of them are truly the strongest, happiest couple I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing, and after four kids, financial struggles, family issues, and all the other standard problems a married couple will face, they are still madly, deeply in love. It was Kyle’s father who gave me the best relationship advice I’ve ever received, and if you have kids with your significant other I suggest you pay close attention: while you’re busy being mommy and daddy, it’s important not to forget that you’re also husband and wife.

Dear Military Wives

First and foremost, ladies, let me just express the respect I have for your ability to be brave, strong, loyal, and devoted while your husband is either deployed, or otherwise unable to come home to you. That takes a special kind of person. Obviously, if you are out fucking his friends or random dudes you meet on Facebook, that statement does not apply to you, because you are, well, a whore.

That being said, let’s be clear: you are not in the military. You are not serving your country. You are not fulfilling your duties as an American soldier simply because an American soldier put a ring on your finger. YOU. ARE. A. WIFE.

Perhaps the argument can be made that the sacrifices you make are greater than those of the average wife, particularly in the case where your partner is deployed, because you undoubtedly live in constant fear of the Knock on the Door. But the same argument can be made for the wives of police officers, firefighters, and those who work on an oil tanker. Yet I have met the wives of such people, and they do not seem to have the same sense of entitlement or the air of importance that many of you have.

And if you have kids? Yes, it must be very difficult for you to raise your children almost entirely by yourself. But you are no different from the single parents that do the same thing – except that you have a military paycheck and benefits to assist you in your task.

The fact that my partner comes home to me each night does not make my duties, responsibilities, love, or commitment lesser than yours by comparison. You do not have to be married to a military man to be a superwife. In fact, I’d venture to say that many of you marry these men just for the thrill and the romanticism of it, only to divorce a handful of years later when you realize you don’t have what it takes to see a marriage through – especially one where your life and the life of your family is pretty much dictated by what the military decides.

Your husband is the hero. You are his wife. You are not entitled to the same honor and respect, and you are not entitled to any special treatment. Stop placing yourself and your marriage on a pedestal. Stop acting like those of us who married mechanics or insurance salesmen are oblivious to the special circumstances surrounding your marriage. There are special circumstances in every marriage – and they don’t always come in uniform.

Let’s Talk About the Weaker Sex, Baby

What do we want? Equality! When do we want it? When it suits our immediate needs!

I’m sure I’m going to catch a fair amount of shit for this post but I don’t particularly care. My guess is that the shit will come from the raging, man-hating feminist camp or the camp of woman guilty of precisely the thing I’m bitching about.

Now then – I suppose Hollywood is as good a place as any to start since they’re largely responsible for perpetuating a falsified stereotype of the strong modern woman. Evidently, a strong woman will hold her tongue each and every time her husband decides, without consulting her, to put himself and his family in danger – she is strong because she stands behind her man and holds her family together while he’s out dodging bullets and narrowly escaping explosions. A strong woman will look on helplessly as her boyfriend gets the shit kicked out of him even when there are plenty makeshift weapons within arm’s reach that she could easily bash the bad guy in the head with – she is strong because later, she won’t vomit at the sight of loverboy’s bloodied face as she holds his hand in the hospital. A strong woman speaks little, cries often, and seems to have no opinion of her own but because there is the occasional scene in which she is wielding a weapon or is sweaty with physical exertion – she is strong.

A strong woman sure does a lot of things I wouldn’t do.

This is one problem I see with contemporary “feminism”. Here are the others – and this is probably the one that’s going to start getting the proverbial panties in a twist.

Much like the pseudo-Christian prefers to handpick the parts of the Bible they uphold, I see far too many so-called “empowered” women demanding equality only in those situations where it suits them. “Why don’t you do the dishes and the laundry?” she says. “Why don’t you cook a meal and take care of the kids?” she complains.

“Just because I’m a woman,” she insists, “does not mean these things are my job.”

But what does she do when the time comes to fix something that’s gone wrong with the car? Or to haul a broken refrigerator out of the house? Or even to kill a goddamned spider? Suddenly, she realizes that she either doesn’t have the faintest idea how to do these things or that she flat out doesn’t want to.

And suddenly, that means they are his job. A man’s job.

“You’re a man,” she proclaims, “you’re supposed to do that stuff.”

No, no, ladies. If you expect a man to take on womanly duties, then you need to be prepared to take on manly ones as well. It’s a two-way street. You don’t just get to pull over and turn off the engine when it looks like things might get a little bit dirty.

Then there’s that special group of women, that group I find the most detestable. These are the women who have elected to stay at home while their partner goes to work and supports her financially. Is dinner ready when he comes home? Are the clothes laundered, is the house clean, are the children taken care of? No. Instead she has spent the day playing Facebook games after shipping the kids off to daycare or sticking them in front of Spongebob (which is really just redneck daycare). Dinner is a sandwich or something microwaveable and there is nary a clean sock to be found, although the dirty ones can be found strewn about the house alongside all manner of trash and clutter.

Is it a woman’s job to cook, clean, and raise children? Certainly not. But if you have made the conscious decision to stay at home while your significant other works – even if it was a decision you didn’t want to make but it was the most sensible one at the time, for whatever reason – then you are not exempt from working. You still have to do something. And yes, the majority of the things on your list of Shit To Do are going to domesticated tasks. If you were working, would you want to come home to an dirty house, unkempt children, and a bowl of cereal? Do you feel that you deserve more respect and appreciation than that? You’re right. You do.

And so does a man. You don’t get to cry “GIRL POWER!” just because you’re too goddamn lazy to switch from MTV to Food Network and learn how to cook a fucking steak. This isn’t about female empowerment, it’s about creating an equal partnership in which the work is equally shared. So get off your pedastal and stop thinking of these things as your “womanly duties”. Instead, think of them as your duties as a loving and thankful wife/fiance/girlfriend.

You’re not a feminist. You’re not a strong woman. You’re lazy, and you’re selfish, and eventually, you’re going to be single.